Big city dreams for a small-city boy

{EON Prom 2003}
20 April 2003 @ 2:30 PM

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Last night was EON's (formerly QueerVoice's) annual queer prom at the Clarion Hotel on Broadway and Alvernon. The theme of the evening was "Make Love, Not War." It basically involved a whole 60s/70s look and everyone was encouraged to dress up in the style of the era. Matt and I did just that.

Earlier that day, we hit the thrift stores on 4th Avenue to search some groovy threads. I went for a raver/hippie look; I found a tie-dye t-shirt, some worn-looking Levi's, a pink peace pendant and silver peace earrings. I wore those with my gray hooded sweatshirt and a cute dark blue visor I had found at the thrift store. Matt, having more luck finding things, dressed in a knit shirt with an open collar, brown bell bottoms, a blonde hippie wig, blue-tinted glasses, a yellow peace pendant and an Aquarius pendant. Of course his costume won him prom royalty. I was happy for him (though he and I happen to think that the judges had a "bias" toward him).

Patrick (who was part of the kitchen staff at the YMCA where we had our retreat this past February) showed up. He had come directly from his own high school's prom. He looked so adorable in his black tux. He is such a sweetie, unfortunately, no one asked him to dance. I would've in a heartbeat, have it had been for me having more confidence to do so and if he wasn't jailbait.

After the dance was over, a whole large group of people went over to Ruben's room that he had rented out for an after party. Most were underaged and uninvited. A lot were drinking and some were even rumored to have drugs on them. That wasn't cool, so Ruben had to kick them out. Patrick was among those. He had gotten himself a Pepsi and only drunk half of it before he gave it to me. After that he left. I kept the can and am now using it to put my corsage in water.

Aside from the fact that I didn't have anyone as a date and that Ruben's party consisted of all of us falling asleep to The Two Towers on Pay-Per-View, Matt and I having to leave at 5:00 in the morning and having to drop off someone at their dorm, this is actually the best prom I've been to. It was certainly helped by the fact that I didn't have to put up with the visage of everyone else around me being so annoyingly happy.

It was good.

~A

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{All too familiar}
19 April 2003 @ 2:31 AM

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"Happy but empty"

Those words a good friend of mine said to me a couple of nights ago. As he spoke those words, I knew exactly what he was feeling.

It's like I've said before, who am I doing all of this fighting for? Yes, I do it for myself and yes I do it for my loved ones, but there has to be someone else. I need a cheerleader in my life, someone who will show me who this is all for just by being there for me.

At this time I'm also reminded about how much I love the song "Clocks" by Coldplay. I know that I am more than likely beyond the point of normal obsession with this group, but I cannot say enough good things about them, especially this song. My friends don't understand it, and quite frankly, I don't expect them to, my being the only one I know that's so hard-up over it is something that I can find comfort in. But another thing about the song is that when I went to Portland last November, and I felt so tragically lonely for part of it, I listened to it endlessly. The song's haunting piano and choir-esque background are now and forever going to be associated with the gorgeous Pacific Northwest in the late fall/winter. As I listen to this song, I also think about the guy I met up there (Troy from Phoenix). He and I were so good together and I am forever going to lament not saying anything to him when I had the chance.

Sigh... one can't relive the past, yet it's kinda funny how one can still be so affected by it.

So much for regrets, huh?

~A

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{Diary lament}
18 April 2003 @ 3:14 PM

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I'm a little blue. Yesterday I was looking through some of my Bluelaser entries and I noticed how differently I used to write. I didn't seem to have such a fixation on conveying my experiences to a large group of readers like how I used to more towards the end. This has carried over now into this current incarnation and it feels odd. I'm used to seeing new signatures on my guestbook very regularly. Now I'm not. Though that can be explained easily because SMG is being strange.

But whatever, a diary is only meant to be a platform for one to share their emotions, the comments are just a nice bonus.

~A

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{Matthew: The Slayer Vampire}
18 April 2003 @ 4:23 AM

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Hmm... Matt says that his habits as of late might be indicative of depression. Well, if you were to ask me, all of what he's described (compounded with the fact that he's taken to sleeping more during the daylight hours) seem to be pointing more towards vampirism. Now, I'm no Buffy (or Xander for that matter), but unless television (and Sarah Michelle Gellar) has lied to me, the signs that's got to be the case!

Wait a tic, if that's all true, then I should watch my back, lest I allow him to sire me.

Ahh... I've been watching too much of the show; or I'm having withdrawls seeing as I haven't seen this past Tuesday's episode.

Only five more to go!

~A

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{Poem: I hold back}
17 April 2003 @ 1:10 PM

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I canít say to you that I love you
I canít say thatís not a good idea
I canít say that I donít want to
I hold back

I do it because Iím afraid to fail
I do it because I dislike change
I do it because I reserve tact
I hold back

My needs are not verbalized
My wants are secondary
My desires are stillborn
I hold back

Others can say whatís on their mind
Others can speak about their emotions
Others can talk about themselves
I hold back

Iím torn
My heart aches
I feel like Iím all alone and no one cares
I sometimes want to cry
Love will never be mine
I will continue to have negative feelings

All of this because I hold back

~A

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{First entry not on someone else's computer}
15 April 2003 @ 11:16 PM

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So I got my new computer from Mikey today finally. I'm really happy; not only did he fix what ever the hell it was that was broken (that involved a scuzzy wire or something), but he was so angellic enough to give me his modem.

So here I sit typing about all of my fluffy, happy feelings about finally having a computer to call my own.

Granted it's about as old as I am (in computer years, of course), I don't mind it at all. If I'm the only one that's going to be using it (other than Matt, whose own monitor is really dark and will use mine to see colors correctly), so it's no big deal whatsoever.

Well, that's all I have to say about stuff right now.

~A

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{The pains of Pima}
10 April 2003 @ 4:09 PM

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What a week...

So I have kinda come to realizee that I'm not meant to multitask my time by trying to go to school and work on the same day. Where my roster once consisted of (work excluded): Writing and Sociology on Mondays and Wednesdays, Astronomy on Tuesdays and Thursdays, T'ai-Chi on Fridays and Sign Language on Saturdays. It has all whittled down to me attending my Fri/Sat classes only. This doesn't mean that they're the only classes that I'm still registered for. As of right now I'm still anchored to my Writing class. Right after work today I drove speedily (but within the speed limit) to Pima East with every intention of getting rid of the class. Unfortunately, the drop deadline was...

YESTERDAY!!!

ARRGH!!! Why can't I catch a break every now and then, WHY? Did I in a past life step on an ant and have it with it's last dying breath place a karmatic curse on me? Did I accidentally run over some Gypsy's dog with my horse-drawn carriage? Did I invent country music? Then what in the name of multi-platinum selling diety that is Alanis Morissette did I do to have such cosmically bad luck?

Ahh... well, the fate of my GPA rests now on my writing professor actually giving me an incomplete.

~A

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{Life's a party...}
06 April 2003 @ 3:01 PM

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... and apparently my invitation got lost in the mail.

I'm having one of those moods again. The one where it seems like no one cares about me or my problems. Granted, my problems shouldn't be their problems, but it seems like I'm made to traverse this barren plain known as life all alone and without anyone to offer any kind of salvation.

Last night I went with Matt and Miranda to one of her friend's birthday parties. I had told Miranda that I'd make it, seeing as I wasn't available to hang with her the night before. Anyway, the party was okay enough. Though I've come to the conclusion that though I do like to be invited, unless the party consists of familiar faces, I'm not going to enjoy myself much. That being said, it should e obvious how much I liked being there. To top it all off, as Matt, Mir and I were leaving to get her some late-night snackage, some guys that were arriving that just happened to pass by us said, "Who invited the Mexican?" Now, I'm pretty sure that was not directed at me and that it was more than likely not a serious comment, but it was still very thoughtless and that was all I needed to call it a night.

Then I feel like I'm being singled out or thought of as being weird because I choose to take offense to things like that.

Ahh... what is there for me that I can do? I feel like I'm some kind of endless cycle of disappointments and frustrations.

~A

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{where do i start?}
i am... a dancer and a dreamer, latino, gay, a singer, a poet, an artist, a son, a brother, no one's lover, way too obsessed with sailor moon for my own good, a romantic, temporarily unemployed, and too much more to list here

{emotional me}
The current mood of invernal at www.imood.com

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Haruka to Michiru kirei
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