Big city dreams for a small-city boy

{Chris, Hoyt and Matt}
27 April 2003 @ 11:41 PM

BGM: "Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover" by Sophie B. Hawkins
Wanting: random office sex
Wearing:

I have an office romance. I have several in fact. Hee-hee, I'm so bad, I know. I just can't help it, I AM only a man after all. Oh, but it feels so good to be in deep infatuation with several gorgeous men at once. It sinful...

First, there's Chris. He's a darling. He has the whole jock/prep look going for him. This is accentuated by how his eyebrows gently curve upward and give him an adorably sad puppy-dog face. He is the most polite boy in the world, he never hesitates to say hi and greet me with a warm smile. And it's always a treat when he wears quater-cut socks and pants whose legs lift when he sits and reveal his gorgeously fit calves. Oh, and even better, he drives a Ducati. Boys on bikes are just to die for.

Speaking of bikes, cool Aquarian Hoyt rides one as well. Although he's almost 30, he's still very childlike and so sweet. He's a bit on the chubby side, balding and he tends to wear his sideburns kinda like Elvis (pork chop is the term for them, I think) and has glasses; but that's all good, because I go for that. He also likes to dress in those loud, rock-style silk and polyester button-up shirts with all those cool designs on them. His voice is so soft and angelic that upon hearing it for the very first time one is taken aback by the gentleness of it, but as you become accustomed to it, it's impossible to imagine he'd have any other type. Big plus, he just loves anime and will occasionally stop and check out my drawings. He even gave me the url to MegaTokyo. Now, this man-child has got me hooked, not only to that, but to him especially.

Lastly, there's Matt. This guy works in mysterious ways. I'll be blunt, he's not handsome in any conventional way (not even in the way that Cher's stepbrother was in Clueless). He's also a little loud, somewhat overly straight and homey-acting and always talks about getting drunk. No, sadly he has no plainly endearing traits. What he does have going for him is that he's tall, has great legs and a very child-like smile that makes one just melt when flashes it. He's also pop-savvy without being a slave to hos like Britney. And just the way that he makes one feel like they're his close friend makes you wonder if there are, how anyone out there could possibly not like this guy. He, like Chris, never misses an opportunity to say "Hey dude" or "Later man" whenever you're coming in or leaving. Oh, and of the three, he's the only one secure enough in himself to sport earrings (even though I think they might have been recently done, because I don't recall always seeing him with them).

Sigh... I am at a loss for words when it comes to these three wonderful men. Sadly, they're all straight... or at least seem to be. Hoyt's married, and I've overheard Chris and Matt talk about girlfriends. But, unless I'm letting their good looks and uncommon-for-straight-dudes approachability get to me, my Gaydar is pinging very loudly on them. Oh, but I don't care, as long as I don't have to actually see their mistresses, I can live out my office romance with all three of them at once!

~A

.

{Random freewrite}
27 April 2003 @ 1:26 PM

BGM: "Somewhere in the Middle" by Dishwalla
Wanting: a day off
Wearing:

I don't know what to say right now. I just know that I should say something. Right now, I'm just going with the flow of things. I like the day ouside, it's nice and probably more than a little warm. I have the fan on in my room, it's set on low and it's oscillating more towards my bed than me, but that's okay because I think that if I have it hit me more, it'll cause me to feel a little sicker and cause my nose to run. I have about two hours until I have to be in at work. I wonder if I should dance around in my room for an hour to get my daily exercise. I really wish the weekend wasn't over for me already. Arrgh!! Damned pop-up ad! Oh, where was I? Oh yes, I'm listening to "Memories" right now from Cats. Doesn't the singer of this song (I don't know what the actress' name is) look like Susan Sarandon? I think so, especially with her droppy make-up. I didn't really enjoy this weekend. I mean, it wasn't bad, but I didn't get to do much hanging out with my friends and I really would've liked that. Matt unfortunately was getting sick, so what time we did spend out at the Lounge was short and not very fun. I really don't want to go to work. I wish that I could get Saturdays and Sundays off like normal people, but no, work wants all of its employees to work at least one weekend day. I guess Sundays are better to work than Saturdays anyway. I sometimes sit back and think, is this what I want to be doing for the rest of my life? Of course not, it's just an extended detour until I can figure out just what the hell my calling is. Hold on, I have to put on another song... There, "Somewhere in the Middle" by Dishwalla. I love this song, the lead singer is too gorgeous for words. Anyway, I don't want to live this life if there is just this for me. I want to know the love of another, I want to travel, I want to live. Is that too much to ask? I think that for my background and the sordid past of my family, that might be too far-reaching. Oh well, at least no one can tell me that it's wrong for me to dream.

...

Well, I think my train of words just derailed.

~A

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{Of course that's just my opinion, I could be wrong}
26 April 2003 @ 10:42 AM

BGM: *Nothing*
Wanting: simplicity
Wearing:

I've made a decision. I no longer like Dennis Miller. Once this guy at the top of my parthenon of sarcastic, counter-culture, I-hate-the-government comedians, he now seems like the victim of a of the Bush mafia or something.

I saw his show "The Raw Feed" Thursday night on HBO. At first I was looking through the schedule guide and came across the show and was like, "Ooh! Dennis Miller! I haven't seen his stuff in like, ages!" and happily changed it over. I was way sleepy when I did this; it was midnight and I had been up since 6:30 in the morning and had gotten only four hours of sleep the night before. Anyway, I don't know whether it was due to my being running on empty since 8PM or what, but when I wasn't busy nodding off or changing the TV to Insomniac Music Theatre, I could not enjoy or even agree with a lot of what Miller was saying.

I remember right before last election he referred to Bush very unfavorably. Hell, even right after he got elected, he called him President F*ckhead. This was him at his prime. It was at this juncture that I would make it a point to watch Dennis Miller Live every chance I got. I agreed with a lot more of his viewpoints (even though they were thoroughly laced with sarcasm) and he seemed to stand as a more a free-thinker.

Now as a viewed his show, one monologue and segue after another, I was like, "Oh my God, this guy's talking a bunch of nonsense." Not that there was much more to his act that that, but other than Bush and the environment, I did find myself laughing at some parts. And he did say a line that I particularly agreed with, it goes "the world is so ass-backwards that it makes you wish you were dyslexic." Other than that, I dislike him wholesale.

Oh what a world we live in when one's comic salvation can change radically in the matter of a year. Well, at least I got Margaret Cho, and it doesn't seem like she's going to be jumping on the Bush (Georgie, not the other kind) bandwagon.

~A

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{For a minute there, I lost myself}
25 April 2003 @ 12:24 PM

BGM: "Karma Police" by Radiohead
Wanting: love
Wearing:

"I'd still like to be friends, though." Those words should strike familiar with everyone that's ever ventured to the outside world. For these seven short words are the kiss of death for failed relationships and the "stop right there" sign for ones that haven't started out yet. No one expects to hold the speaker of this phrase to their word, they know full-well that they are not meant to be taken literally. For their purpose is not to say (at least outright), "oh, I do love you but I'm not IN love with you," but to say "you repulse me, now be gone before I sic my Rottweiler on you." With that, the person saying that and the person on the receiving end part ways and are most likely never to see each other again. If such an incidence happens that their paths cross, they will have to make it past the discomfort with a forced smile and a nod of acknowledgement.

This is all true. A fact. It is held as unwritten law for everyone... except me. In all the times that I've said those words (once), I've always meant it. I never meant it to sound that I was giving him the kiss-off (even though he rejected me). I took a chance, I gambled our relationship and I decided to put my feelings out there. I didn't turn out in my favor, but I still wanted to maintain the core of our relationship. The funny thing is that he agreed (right after breaking my heart) and hugged me and went off and was left to sulk.

Well, very much intending to hold true to my word, I attempted to maintain contact with this guy (whom I dedicated more than a good amount of entries in my last diary and promised I wouldn't make a mention of him here), but apparently he had no intentions of the sort. Of couse he did acknowledge my appearance whenever we ran into each other (most of which was due to me finding him working while going to Wild Oats) and he did still keep with the "we're still friends" pretense, but I can tell that he doesn't give a flying monkey about me. Which is totally okay. Though I would take him without hesitation if he asked me to, I'm not going to waste all of my spare thoughts worrying about why he doesn't seem to want to do all of the fun I-thought-they-were-dates-but-he-only-saw-it-as-two-friends-hanging-out stuff. I've come to the realization that my feelings of love ruined what we had. But I would rather live differently in the truth that forever be living the same life as a lie.

Though, I do find myself comparing every cute boy out there to him. But that's another story...

The moral of this story is; ifa you gay friend tell you "I love you," don't punch! Sorry, I mean, what the moral of this story is is that if you're going to give someone the brush-off or if you're on the receiving end, make sure that no fake words like, "let's still be friends" are spoken if neither of you know that that'll hold up. It's stupid, it's pretentious (another thing I took from him; I now label everything as pretentious) and it's just insulting of a person's character.

~A

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{A fair to remember}
25 April 2003 @ 1:06 AM

BGM: "Forbidden Fruit" by Paul van Dyk
Wanting: sanity
Wearing:

I've come to a conclusion. Though I thoroughly enjoy going to amusement parks, I am not suited very well for the rides.

Miranda, Terry (this cutie from the Rocky cast) and I all merrily went over to the Pima County Fair for wristband day. We arrived at about 2:30-ish in the afternoon and immediately attacked the rides.

The first ride we went to was something like California Adventure's Maliboomer; where we got shot up into the air and we were supposed to squid back down to the ground. Well, this ride had us shoot straight up and then drop us back down. It was not a very good feeling.

Next, we went on the Tilt-a-Whirl. It was a classic, a favorite from my childhood. Though, I think I might've crushed poor Terry's knees by fiercely pulling back on the handle.

After that we went on the Orbiter. It's a ride that's really difficult to explain as far as the way it works. All I can say is that it went in circles and it spun at some funked up angles.

When that was done, we went over to this one kiddie ride that was supposed to put forth the illusion of flying. It was nice, it was a lot less breakneck paced that the other rides, but it still went up and down like a wave. That unfortunately, kilched it. Only about an hour into the fun and already I needed a clear soda to calm my constitution.

I tended to stay out of the more vomit-inducing rides for the remainder of the day.

One of the attractions that I really didn't get sick on was the Moscow Circus. It was a funhouse. I *heart* funhouses. Miranda and I went on it first while Terry went off and did his own thing for a while. The first time we went on it, I had slipped and fell back on the part where there's those metal rollers on the floor. It didn't really hurt, but I did lose my balance and kinda embarrassed myself around everyone else.

The second time we went on it we had Terry with us. I didn't slip in the same place, but I did manage to hit my head really hard at the bottom of the spiral slide. I hit it so hard that actually got a bump on it. I haven't had a knock to the head cause a bump since my dad dropped a guitar on my head (but that's another story).

Later on, Mike showed up. We took another lap around the park. I had taken some dramamine that Terry had bought and we went on some more rides.

After we were all ridden out, Miranda and I split from the other two and went to go win some prizes from rigged carnie games. Luckily for us, a lot of the prizes we wanted could be won by popping balloons with darts and Miranda was an expert in that area. She ended up winning; a Siberian Husky plushie for me (whom I've named Snowflake), a green plushie alligator (whom she named Ralph), and two framed pictures of scantily-clad Budweiser Girls.

It was a nice night. It was a lot better that the fair last year, minus me getting a concussion and all. But the Husky plushie is more than worth it!

~A

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{Run away with me}
23 April 2003 @ 8:37 PM

BGM: "Wicked Little Town" by Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Wanting: escape
Wearing:

Sigh... I'm feeling lonely right now.

It's the kind of lonely that I feel not when I'm craving human contact, but a need for something more. I have deep desire to be taken away from all of this. I want to see things, I want to live, I want to love. I want all of this nonsense that I'm forced to call living right now to stop and for me to get out that door and find my real life waiting for me in far off place. It might be somewhere in the US (hopefully in the Pacific Northwest) or even in some far off land that I've always dreamed of going.

I want to go where there is no need for wants. I want to see a place where all people are happy and there is no such thing as heartache or yearning. I want to meet someone that will take me and hold me while at the same time let me love him with a reckless abandon.

Two people that I knew down here just left everything and took off. One just up and left for Seattle (no, not Alex) and one left for Phoenix. My secret fantasy has always been to do just that. Oh, if I could do that and not have any financial worry or anything else to anchor me, it would be so very wonderful.

I am in love with Portland and Seattle and I think that one of these days I'll finally be able to just cast off the shackles and leave Tucson forever.

Now for some happiness courtesy of Qale:

I'm Trowa Barton!

I'm Trowa Barton!

Which Gundam Wing Character Are You?

by Quistis

~A

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{where do i start?}
i am... a dancer and a dreamer, latino, gay, a singer, a poet, an artist, a son, a brother, no one's lover, way too obsessed with sailor moon for my own good, a romantic, temporarily unemployed, and too much more to list here

{emotional me}
The current mood of invernal at www.imood.com

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i was always blue-green cuz we are living in a material world...
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