{And nothing else compares...}

{Warm and juicy inside}
02 August 2003 @ 2:28 AM

BGM: "Unwell" by matchbox twenty
Wanting: sleep
Wearing: same as the previous post

Friday was nice. I went to work and I did four hours of community service (of which I got paid time-and-a-half for). If nothing else nice can come from my lips as far as Info goes, I'll say this, they sure as hell have the overtime you need if you're aching for money. Trouble is, that I don't like being there more than I have to be, so being there about 14 days in a row isn't all too appealin'. Though the money's good to keep me placated... for now.

I also did a good turn to karma. Given my new-found love for Old Navy, I have outgrown my need for most of my previously worn clothes. That being said, I put them all into a painfully overpacked Old Navy bag and hauled them over to Savers where I promptly left them for people to do with what they pleased. It felt really good to do that. I was all warm and juicy inside... like microwaved V8... or something.

Later on, the crew (Fox, Shaunda and Steve) and I met up at Lucky Strike in a bid to do some bowlin'. Unfortunately for us, it was Cosmic Bowl night and there was a $10 charge per person. Only half of us were able to fit that bill, so we decided to opt for something a lot less expensive.

After some extensive deliberation, we decided to head on out to the end of Speedway for some late-night randomness. We stopped at a Fry's on the way and picked up some Bartles and James wine coolers and some cookies.

On the way over, I managed to get my car up to some good speed to take the numerous dips in the road. I think that pleased Shaunda and Steve thoroughly. Once there, I let my car's headlights on and we went to sit at the benches right at the opening of the trail that starts there.

We popped open our alcoholic treats and did a few toasts. We did toasts to love, to life, to friends and to the rumor about Orlando Bloom really being mostly bisexual (if not gay) be true. Well, I thought that last part, I failed to mention it while it was relevant.

Anyway, we played 21 Questions to pass the time. Shaunda got grilled first, then me, then Steve. Unfortunately, we didn't get to Fox, but I promised him that we would when we all got together next. But as far as the questions go, I feel like I was the only one asking the hard-hitting ones at first. I think I got the ball rolling, or at least I hope I did. I'm not really good at asking questions, but I'm a hell of a lot better at answering.

Ehhhnyway... Fox is in some financial trouble, so I went over to his apartment to get some videos of his that he's selling. In all, he's letting me have his Sailor Moon S movie, the South Park movie, Gundam Wing: The Endless Waltz and Go, all for the incredibly more-than-fair price of $12. I feel really bad for practically taking the movies from him, and I wish I could do more, but I can't, not right now.

Oh! I almost forgot. On the way to Fox's apartment, we saw this one guy hitchhiking near the University Medical Center (UMC). Fox and I are always up for a good deed, and there were two of us anyway, so we picked him up. He was a cutie too. He just needed to be taken to Ft. Lowell, which is only about a mile or so up. Still, he had just gotten released from the hospital so it was really good of us to have done that for him. Fox even went out of his way and got him a Jumbo Jack at Jack in the Box. Again, the warm and juicy feelings flowed within me.

Well, I'm really, immensely tired. I had two wine coolers tonight and given that I'm an insanely extreme lightweight, that'll do me, pig. I'm off to sleep.

You represent... hope.

You're quite a daydreamer and can be a hopeless
romantic. You enjoy being creative and don't
mind being alone at times. You have goals, and
know what you want in life... even if they are
a little far fetched.

What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

{I think I've taken this quiz before... oh well, the results have some really cute pictures on them}

~A (Somehow, I've lost my mind)

{Monster ball}
01 August 2003 @ 7:54 PM

BGM: "You Wanted More" by Tonic
Wanting: for people to see through this
Wearing: red two-tone Old Navy tee, Levi's denim button-fly jeans, spiked bracelet

I'm better now, I've have come to understand Matt's decision and hope for the best in the time to come. I'm still really miffed at all of the other stuff though. Meanwhile, my monsters that I have created rock harcore!

goodbye
You have a goodbye kiss- much passion and longing,
but never lasting.

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

~A (Love is never saying you're too proud)

{Who are you to tell me it'll always be this way}
01 August 2003 @ 12:40 AM

BGM: "Free" by The Martinis
Wanting: to cause pain and suffering
Wearing: same as earlier

I probably shouldn't air dirty laundry, but this is my diary and the night's events have affected me and I feel the need to get my emotions out so that they don't consume me from within. Given that valued fact, regardless of what those close to me will think, I will go forth and express myself as I feel is fitting. So if what I may say is damaging to whatever visage about me and my life people may hold, then I advise you read no further.

Matt doesn't want to move out with me. I mean, he does want to go out on his own, but that's just the thing, he wants to do it by himself, without me. Yes, I was fairly shocked and it did hurt to hear him say that, but for some reason I didn't find it completely unexpected. The delivery was, of course, laced with so much false reassurance and whatever you call it when they say "it's not you, it's me." And of course, there's the "don't take it personal." That is the fakest line that anyone can say. Of course the poor soul your ravaging is going to take it personal, because the next thing to come out of your mouth is going to be something deeply cutting that is obviously something to do with the person. It's like going up to someone and saying, "Don't take it personal, but you're ugly."

Granted, the news in itself is very disheartening, it's not the worst part. The part that makes me get that horrible cold feeling in the pit of my stomach is the fact that Matt didn't let me know this sooner. The fact that up until an hour or so we've been carrying on like "it was so going to happen and we're so going to get to experience the on our own thing" and so on in a similar giddy fashion. It's that I never know what to expect from Matt that gets me so irked. In all the time that I've known him really well and especially in the months since we've lived together, I've always pleaded with him to come to me if there was anything bothering him, especially if it involved me in some way. I probably dilluded myself into thinking that I had finally gotten some ground, but I guess not.

I dunno... I'm probably not angry at Matt for this at all. I mean, if everyone else thinks he would do good on his own, then it HAS to be a good idea. In all honesty, if anyone in my circle of friends can be all out on their own, I'd put all my money on him (Shaunda doesn't count, because she's already doing it). Like I said earlier, one can't help but feel like they did something wrong that caused their friend to take such an action.

I'm angry at the circumstances that I find myself in. Sooner or later, I'm going to have to say goodbye to semi-independence and go back to being completely latched to my grandma for food, housing and clean undies. I'm angry that I'm too tied down with a payment on a car that doesn't give me as much as I put into it to focus my money on paying serious rent. I'm angry that I have to go to a ridiculously far part of town just to work at a job where I can make the most money without having surrendered about five years of my life to or have five years worth of a college education to have gotten. I'm angry at myself for getting myself into such messes that I can't easily cast everything aside and just run from Tucson and go to the nearest big city where much more opportunity lies.

Sigh... It's events such as these that make it all the more easier for me to say goodbye when my opportunity to leave comes.

On the car ride home (when all of this menutia started), Matt popped in my Empire Records soundtrack. After the news was spoken, this song came on. It's been in my head ever since. Granted, it doesn't have some deep spiritual meaning, I still think that situation calls for a song like this:

Omnipresent phrase in my mind
Spoken word I've said one million times
Who are you to tell me it'll always be this way
I close my eyes and I turn around
And leave it all behind
So free for the moment
Lost somewhere between the earth and the sky
So free for the moment
Lost because I wanna be lost
Don't try to find me
Always try to breeze through my life
Repetitious things I've done one million times
Who are you to tell me that I'll always be this way
I close my eyes and I turn around
And leave it all behind
What could I do
It's not such a terrible thing
What would you do
It's not such a terrible thing
So free for the moment
Lost somewhere between the earth and the sky
So free for the moment
Lost because I wanna be lost
So free for the moment
Lost somewhere between the earth and the sky
So free for the moment
Lost because I wanna be lost
Don't try to find me

-The Martinis "Free"

~A (It can't happen today; not on Rex Manning day...)

{I'm quite alright, really...}
30 July 2003 @ 11:56 PM

BGM: "Unwell" by matchbox twenty
Wanting: whatever...
Wearing: midnight blue Info polo shirt, medium blue Stanford boxer-breifs

I guess I need to explain myself a bit. This is mostly aimed at the people whom I communicate on a daily basis (ie: my friends). I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. Well, kinda. I mean I'm always crazy and I as of recently, I've been a little unwell. So I guess this song is not a very accurate description at all...

Whatever. Anyway, I'm fine. I didn't end up going to the movies last night with the gang because I wasn't physically up to it. My body was desiring rest above all else and to be cooped up in a vehicle for about four hours was not going to help at all. Besides, I didn't care much for the movies that they were planning to watch anyway.

I also had a lot on my mind. I was getting really worried about the situation with Matt's impending itchiness to want to move out and the unspoken push for me to get on the ball were just too much. But I sorted those out with him tonight and things seem all good between us. Though, I still have some (what think are justified) nervous thoughts on it, but I'm sure it'll all work out in the end.

I need to get to sleep...

~A (Don't write yourself off yet, it's only in your head)

{In the Name of Julia Stiles I will punish you!}
29 July 2003 @ 7:09 PM

BGM: "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears for Fears
Wanting: sleep!
Wearing: navy blue and orange Old Navy tribal tattoo shirt, mixed-drink print Joe Boxer pajama pants

So, so bored... I can't sleep, I have to go to the movies with friends. I really don't want to, but should anyway. Here are some quizzes from Steve:

Sailor Moon
The Leader of the bunch. In control, although in
may not seem like it. Seeing you Chase after
boys/girls, and Junk food is more likely than
seeing you do your homework. Ditzy at times,
you may not seem ready., but all you have to do
is follow your heart and you'll get through
anything.

The ULTIMATE Sailor Moon: Sailor Scout Quiz!
brought to you by Quizilla

{Aw, man! I didn't want her! I guess my answers were too all over the place}

HASH(0x87cf11c)
You're Katerina. You're so sick of the system. You
don't want to be the same as everyone
else...you may have a few enemies.

Which 10 Things I Hate About You Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

{Yay! I *heart* her!}

~A (Welcome to your life, there's no turning back)

{Clocks}
29 July 2003 @ 7:20 AM

BGM: "Prom Tonight" from "Not Another Teen Movie"
Wanting: a phonograph
Wearing: Dockers khakis, light blue Old Navy short-sleeve button-up

So, my money problems still continue, but at least I now have something to show for it. Yesterday I received in the mail this collector's edition, super-rare, only 1000 sold in the US (or is it the world?), Coldplay remixes vinyl record of "Clocks." I'm so happy, not only because I have something �ber-awesome from my #1 favorite band of all-time, but because it's one of those rare times in my life where I've actually won something!

Now, I'm conflicted as to whether I should seek a turntable to play my new toy, or just keep it safe in it's packaging because it may be worth lots of money later?

~A (Lights go out and I can't be saved)

{Emoness}
28 July 2003 @ 1:54 AM

BGM: "Crimson and Clover" by Joan Jett
Wanting: salvation from everything
Wearing: same

So, this is a little addendum to what I posted just before this...

I just read a good friend of mine's blog and how he's not emotionally well. I just wish I could do something for him, because though I know he'd rather be consoled by the one that he loves, I would jump at the opportunity to be his shoulder. Yeah, it sucks to be overemotional, I could definitely to tell you that. Just know that you're no less loved, and that your true friends miss you even more than you miss us.

Though as of late I've been needing other people to take care of me and my emotions, I still really do wish that I was approachable enough for people to seek comfort in me, like they used to. If anyone needs me, they know how to find me.

I've also come to notice that whenever I'm feeling all happy and good about myself, everyone else around me is feeling exactly opposite. It works the other way too, when everyone else is feeling good, I'm the solitary one with a thundercloud above his head. It almost makes me feel like I'm wrong or something...

And what's also causing me to feel all funked up is my fucked-up bank. I know that I'm responsible for all of my overdrafts and whatnot, but the way that they seem to get all of my transactions posted it's impossible to get some kind of rhythm going. I may very well have to close my account and start anew at a different bank. I NEED SOME HELP! SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE ME FROM MYSELF!

~A (Crimson and clover)

{Dumbass: A Religtables Movie}
28 July 2003 @ 1:18 AM

BGM: "Shadows of the Night" by Pat Benatar
Wanting: sleep
Wearing: grey Old Navy 'Los Angeles' city shirt, tan WF1 cargo pants

I must have been having a totally silly mood today, because througout the entirety of it, I kept laughing when I would think of the Religtables. Steve and Shaunda were talking about it a couple of weeks ago. Apparently, their this Saturday Night Live skit where they parody the �ber-Christian Veggietales cartoons. I've never seen it myself, but from what hear, its freakin' hilarious.

Actually, it's not even the concept of the skit that makes me giggle like a schoolgirl on crack, it's just the word "Religtable" itself that does it. I don't know why, but it does. It's a good thing that I'm so easily entertained by words too, because it seriously helped pep me up throughout my day today (especially during my excruciatingly longer-than-usual term at work). It's almost sad isn't it?

"Religtable"... *Giggles uncontrollably*