{And nothing else compares...}

{The hunt goes on}
05 September 2003 @ 6:42 PM

BGM: nothing really
Wanting: to relax
Wearing: grey and black ON jersey-style tee, Levi's button-fly jeans

Apartment hunting is hard...

Whoda thought it would be so hard to find a partially-furnished, two-bedroom, pets friendly, utilities-included, cable-ready, apartment with lots of lush greenery for about $500?

Tucson realty is SO f*cked-up.

{Hell is who you populate it with}
05 September 2003 @ 2:23 PM

BGM: none
Wanting: to relax
Wearing: plead the 5th

General asshats
Circle I Limbo

Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Scientologists
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Creationists
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Osama bin Laden
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Saddam Hussein
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Rednecks
Circle VII Burning Sands

Republicans
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

George Bush
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

{Poem: Brown Bracelet}
05 September 2003 @ 4:26 AM

BGM: "Vivaldi's L'Inverno" by William Orbit
Wanting: sleep, and maybe some more talent when writing poetry
Wearing: white ON shirt with blue stripes, FTL floral-print boxer-briefs

Because I never seem to post enough poetry on here. And maybe it's because of beauties like this:

Brown Bracelet

i found you one morning
it had rained the night before
you were just lying there
in the driveway near my car
on the dry concrete
underneath your outline
echoes of water remained
you called no attention to yourself
as far as you were concerned
i could've have easily passed you up
but i picked you up anyway
a strand of brown beads
forty-six squared ones to be exact
tied together delicately
with a brown elastic string
i liked you
how you fit
and how you looked
even though you clashed
for your color is too close
to that of my own skin
still you made me happy
for a week you stayed with me
clinging quietly to my left wrist
silently following me everwhere
i took you to work
you met my friends
cleansed with me
i even took you to bed
yesterday however you bid me goodbye
without a sound you left my side
as was your custom for our tenure
where you have gone i do not know
for i last saw you when i was out
amongst a large mass of humanity
maybe my time with you was finished
and now you had to move on
to find someone new to take you in
and call you their own much like i had
perhaps yours is a destiny inexplicable
a concept out of my comprehension
where ever you have fallen to
it is my hope that you are soon found
and made useful by someone again
for though i was not enchanced by you
not in terms of luck love or wealth
but we did have a connection
a unique bond that only we understand
for you, brown bracelet, belonged to me
and i, for a short period belonged to you

{Success or failure will not alter it}
04 September 2003 @ 6:46 PM

BGM: "Things Can Only Get Better" by Howard Jones
Wanting: Jono
Wearing: white ON shirt with blue stripes, tan WF1 cargo pants

So I was going to post another dreary "oh, woe is me" entry (complete with the superfluous hand over my forehead) last night, but my stupid computer broke down. I guess it's a good thing (back, Martha! BACK!!!) that I didn't, because I'm feeling so much on the better side now.

Dear Jono came online late night last night and he talked with me. Like a true friend, he was concerned with my dark mood (I really wished I had saved the conversation). It made me feel bad that my own negativity was a bad thing for more than just myself. But I've always regarded myself as sort of an "Angel of Sorrow," taking that of other people's and making it my own. You know, the whole martyr thing. A really romanticized concept, anyway. If nothing else, it gives me a sense of purpose when all other avenues seem closed.

Anyway, tagent.

But from there, his empathy and warmth made me slowly come out of it. I was already coming to terms with it myself, but Jono gave me a much needed boost.

Today exciting and much needed good news came my way in the form of my brother calling me after I got off of work. He inquired as to when my grand return to grandma's house would be, and then proceeded to suggest that we both find an apartment together. It was such the thing I needed right now. Coincidentally enough, I was on my way over to the Windsong Village apartments that one of my co-workers currently resides at and was going to take a look at what they had to offer.

But anyway, I may just be able to bypass grandma's house and still stick close enough to work that I won't have to drastically change my sleeping schedule!

So as all of this news was playing, of course the radio chimes in with music that I can groove out to ("Mysterious Ways" by U2, "Things Can Only Get Better" by Howard Jones, and "The Boys of Summer" by The Ataris), so you knew that Alanis was smiling upon me.

Now comes the part about finding the perfect place. Windsong Village doesn't have any two-bedrooms available, but they have utilities included in the rent. But Fox's apartments (another strong consideration) have the two bedrooms yet you have to pay for the electricity separately. Oh well, I have all of tomorrow to get that taken care of! Right now I'm just gonna get out and enjoy myself.

~A (And if we threw it all away, things can only get better)

{The insecurity is the thing that won't get lost}
01 September 2003 @ 11:02 PM

BGM: "No One Is To Blame" by Howard Jones
Wanting: to be young
Wearing: green 'New York' ON tee, black AZ Jean Co. carpenter pants

GAWD! I'm like sinking into a deeper and deeper state of unhappiness. Maybe everyone I know is out making their dreams come true, while I'm here, wallowing in my sea of negative emo.

I dunno... I'm losing touch with my generation. As time passes I feel like I'm phasing out of the interactive world and being made just an outside, unnoticed observer. One that can look all he pleases, but is not for a moment allowed to partake.

I think that this is all due to my impending return to grandma's house. Actually, I'm sure it is. Because as I further this thought, I imagine myself to be like a butterfly (if anyone laughs, Alanis help me, I'll...), flying outward and into new territories. Enter someone with a net. Swoop. I'm caught. End of freedom. That's basically how my situation is being played out in front of me (more or less).

I think that I am unable break out and be out on my own because of I do nothing to cast the shackles off. I've been told time and time again by my family that I am free to do as I please, but out of fear disapproval and fear of leaving my long suffering-family to do without me is making it extremely difficult to have a clear conscience about such a decision as moving to Scottsdale, for example.

I think that either I somehow quiet this inner spirit of mine wanting to take off, or I step on a few people and just follow my dreams.

Speaking of which, when I do leave (wherever I may go), I realized what I'm going to miss the most. I'm going to miss hanging out with Matt and watching TV shows like Road Rules and stuff together. Not for any romantic purpose, mind you, but for the sheer enjoyment of having someone to talk to, someone to relate to and someone I can just speak out innermost dreams and thoughts to. How someday we'd make it onto one of those MTV shows and it would be so awesome and how it would be a perfect launching pad for everything we ever dreamed of, and so on and so forth (well, actually, most of that kind of talk came from me, Matt was more of the listener in that case)... I can still watch it at grandma's house, but it certainly won't be the same or as enjoyable.

Well, I've gotten that all off my chest. It still bugs the ever-loving crap out of me.

This song just will not get out of my head, aside from the fact that it's over some guy pining over a girl, it fits the situation perfectly:

You can look at the menu but you just can�t eat
You can feel the cushions but you can�t have a seat
You can dip your foot in the pool but you can�t have a swim
You can feel the punishment but you can�t commit the sin
And you want her and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can build a mansion but you just can�t live in it
You�re the fastest runner but you�re not allowed to win
Some break the rules
And live to count the cost
The insecurity is the thing that won�t get lost
And you want her and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can see the summit but you can�t reach it
It�s the last piece of the puzzle but you just can�t make it fit
Doctor says you�re cured but you still feel the pain
Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain
And you want her and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
No one ever is to blame
No one ever is to blame

~Howard Jones "No One is to Blame"

~A (Tomorrow's a new day)

{Burning in the fireplace}
01 September 2003 @ 12:30 AM

BGM: "Good Shot" by Hands Burn
Wanting: to move to Scottsdale
Wearing: same as earlier

Hmm... it looks like the tunnel along my highway of life is going to be a little longer than I had anticipated. As it turns out, the swanky bedroom that Mikey was renting out was intended for Matt. Hn. So much for that. I guess it won't be the end of the world if I go back to grandma's. BUT I REALLY DON'T WANNA! *Whines*

Actually, my friend David from work lives in Scottsdale. He still works at Info on the weekend and goes to school at the Scottsdale Culinary Institute during the week. He totally lucked out as far as scoring a place up there. From what he describes, it's a palatial mansion/house that's pretty much all to himself. The lady that's renting his room out to him doesn't even live there and so far David's the only resident. He pays about $400 a month, but that includes his utilities, cable, AND high-speed internet. Not to mention the fact that he's about five minutes away from the world-famous Scottsdale Fashion Square! If that is not ever the sweetest thing I've ever heard, then shoot me right now, cuz I don't think it could get much sweeter. Oh, did I mention he practically has the house all to himself?

Anyway, before I got all excited describing said abode, he actually offered me to go move in with him. Now, as we all know, Mr. Aaron does not like Tucson very much and the opportunity for me to get the funk out of here should not be passed lightly. However, and on the "but-I-already-know-that" advice of Mommy dearest, I should secure a job up there before venturing and taking all of my bills with me. I may be flaky, but I'm not stupid. I reassured ever-worrisome Mom that like all good things, it'll probably just pass me up. *Sigh*

Speaking of work, it turns out that my productivity was only at about 93% last week. Goal is to be a minimum of 96.5%. Yeah, apparently Linda (TM) wants to rip me a new one. Is it really time for my weekly reaming ALREADY? Where does the time go?

Every day that passes gets me even more and more fed up with the current state of my existence. The fact that I take in any glimmer of good news and siphon ravenously at it is baffling even to me. It's only obvious that such occurences are the equivalent of sugarhighs, complete with their crashing pitfalls.

*bard*

a magician with enchanting musical abilities

clever; artsy; fun
[Final Fantasy Tactics Job Class]

~A (Good shot kid, I think you got it)

{On the horizon}
31 August 2003 @ 1:12 PM

BGM: "Little Robbers" by The Motels
Wanting: no more data entry!
Wearing: midnight blue and orange ON tribal tattoo shirt, grey WF1 shorts

So my first night of work went by as hitchless as one could hope for. It did run a little long, and subsequently I did have to cancel out on Ruben's invite to go to the drive-in, but it was for two completely secondary movies (Jeepers Creepers 2 and Freddy vs. Jason double-feature). But yeah, as I was starting (which was at approximately 3:30) I was like "OOH! Data entry, fun!" After finishing the night (which was at approximately 8:00), I was like "Ugh! Data entry, tedious!"

Still, it was great. I actually got an email from Del (my boss) and told me how much he appreciated it. So that was all good.

Matt's moving out by the end of September, which means that I have to go too. Granted, it is a lot sooner than I had hoped, I'm way grateful that Matt and Cathy were able to stand me as long as they have. Now comes the trouble of looking for a new place to call home. Matt tells me that former EON facilitator Mikey is renting out his third bedroom of his house. Right now that seems like the best bet for me, because I seriously don't want to go back to my grandma's house. I mean, it would be totally awesome to be surrounded by loved ones and having not to worry about food as much, but it's just way to cramped in there for comfort and it's too far from where I have to go on a daily basis. So, here's hoping that this new tunnel that I'm approaching in the highway of my life will have something sweet at the other end!

~A (They go "yeah, yeah, yeah...")

	bard a magician with enchanting musical abilities clever; artsy; fun
[Final Fantasy Tactics Job Class]