11 September 2004 @ 11:56 AM
Wanting:
conviction
Wearing:
black 'La Muerte' Anchor Blue tee, denim ON jeans
But in more personal news, I've been really all over the place for the past week or so. I've switched my cigarettes of choice over from the ever-harmful cloves to the relatively safer Vanilla-flavored Sweet Dreams. They're nice and sweet and all, but unfortunately they don't last as long as my cloves. But I guess it's just as well, right? I mean, I don't wanna go getting addicted now. Even though my Hollywood husband Joaquin Phoenix makes it look oh-so hot and glamourous.
Tangent: Isn't he just delicious?
*Whistful sigh*
But I've digressed. My other personal aspects pretty much remain idle. Dearest Mina hasn't seen the open road for almost an eternity and though he-who-fathered-me promised me for sure that she would be done this coming week, I've been really wary of such statements. Though, my blind optimism - or intuition, if you prefer - is telling me that this may very well be the time when it finally happens. I sincerely hope that's the case, though my stint utilizing public transportation has been somewhat humbling and quite enlightening, I've had enough and need to allow myself the freedom that is being out with friends and not having to be mindful of the bus schedule.
Also, though I've gone through with it in my head so many times, I can't bring myself around to actually talk to my boss (he's a realtor, BTW) about quitting my quasi-job there (I do maintainance and light administrative work, BTW). It's just that 1) I'm spineless, and 2) there's a certain thing about him that makes it impossible for me to convey my actual feelings about working for him. The irony of that is that he's pretty self-assured in his knowledge that he thinks he knows me so well. What's worse, just yesterday when he called me in, he flat-out offered me a round-trip, accommodated visit to Seattle plus spending money if I help in expanding his business by the end of the year. This is way too much. For one thing, I can't feel like I'll be able to commit for as long as I have and as long as it's going to take, and his whole passive-agressive attitude makes it so difficult for me to say no (as if I didn't already have a hard enough time).
My mind's just all over the place in respect to that last issue. On the one hand, I couldn't be happier to not work there anymore. Conversely, that same day I felt like I could be committed, I just need to get over some inherent self-defeating mechanism that always seems to kick in and make things unnecessarily harder on myself. It happened during high school when I didn't apply myself so I didn't enter college prepared, it happened the other day on the bus when I took the wrong route, knowing fully well that I was about a mile or so away from ITT Tech and it's happening now. To rationalize, I think that this heavy blanket of uncertainty is due to the fact that my boss is just too giving (well, except when it comes to my pay rate). I don't feel like I've earned everything he's handed out to me and I know feel somehow indebted to him, negating my want to work for him.
I don't know. I'm dwelling on this far too much for the weekend. But I wonder if this is truly an opportunity that I shouldn't pass up. Dear Alanis, do I ever feel put-upon right now.
3+ {Or why I have to scream}
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So today, after managing to get him to lend me $40, I went and got myself a long-needed hair trim and some sweet vanilla-flavored sin. As I waited for the 1:00 bus that took me to Speedway and Beverly, where my hairstylist is, I indulged. It was blissful. The confounded bus, however didn't show up until almost a quarter after! I was sooo late for my damned hair appointment. Luckily Lupe, my stylist, was available and we got the nasty overgrowth trimmed down.
After that, I took the return bus down the University. That involved a good amount of walking, which I normally don't mind. However, I made the dumb mistake of putting on some really stylish, but painful sandals. They're cushy, but the sides rub my foot the wrong way and the back part scrapes my Achilles' tendon to the point of making it bleed. So very uncomfortable!
I've been very passive-agressive to my dad about getting my effing car fixed, and I think that it should finally be done this weekend. *Knocks on wood* Also, tomorrow we're going to go visit my mom, so that should provide for some nice distraction while getting to visit the 6th-largest city in the country.
Well, I'm bored. Time to go.
3+ {Thought the love we had was gone}
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The cosmic goddess of trendy, �ber-cool and tasty chain establishments has decided to place a STARBUCKS (yes, a Starbucks!) right next to the Olive Garden right off of I-19 and Irvington! That is a half a freeway exit from my house! A two minute drive! So. Very. Close. To. Coffee. Goodness. *Squeals with uncontrollable delight*
Ahem... But the only drawback is that it hasn't been constructed YET, but with the incredible rate that new businesses pop up nowadays, I should be expecting it presently. Still though, I cannot convey how wonderful this is, not only will I now not need to traverse all the way up to the University for a quick frappuchino fix, but it's yet another brush stroke in the magnificent plan that the powers that be have to make my side of town and neighborhood more habitable and welcoming to visitors.
I for one will be making it a point to be there at the new Starbucks on the very first day it opens!
3+ {Uh, c'mon!}
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After getting off two VERY LONG blocks away from where ITT was located and nearly perishing due to the fucking heat and of dehydration, I made it in, albeit 20 minutes late for my appointment. If it wasn't bad enough, my new button-front shirt (Austin Reed of London, way cool in the ways of plaid) was soaked from my chest up with sweat.
Luckily, Laura, the very nice (yet a bit Stephen King crazed) recruiter, helped me with picking out a course and helping with my financial aid. It took a bit of trying, but she got me to come clean with the entirety (okay, maybe not ALL of it) of my family situation. But it was very beneficial for me, because I can override the need for parential presence for my financial aid application. So come this late November, I'll be on the path to my career and finally get one foot out the door of this hellhole that I've been subjected to for the past 20+ years.
On a bitchy note, my head feels like it's about to crack open. I didn't get up early enough to eat breakfast, so all I've had thus far is a fortune cookie that I had in my bag (which had a very nice fortune; "Always have old memories and young hopes."), and some water, so I'm desparately hungry. I need to see if my weekly unemployment check came in so I can get myself some well-deserved foodness. I guess this oppresive heat also have a fair part to play. Confounded desert! Why do you have to be so bloody hot?
Finally, on a sad note, last night Steve played the bearer of bad news and informed me that dear "Gloria" singer Laura Branigan died this past Thursday in her sleep due to a brain aneurysm. It sucks. She was incredibly talented and I'm glad to say that I got a chance to have her greatest hits CD before she passed. She will be missed.
3+ {Never wonder where I am}
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Not that I'm saying that I'm better than them or that I'm attesting to a higher willpower over the three, because quite honestly, given the opportunity, I would've most likely been the first one to reach for my lighter. But you will be surprised at how well being near-impoverished will work for one's resolve to quit.
And, I'll go back and ammend my declaration; I will not smoke just for the hell of it, as was my custom, but only in social situations, especially if there's Smirnoff Ice involved. Oh gods, now I want one of those AND a smoke...
Lastly, apparently, the whole asteroid thing was just an effing April Fool's joke that was published in Maxim. Grr... while I do feel a little foolish for buying into it, I will categorically say that I don't intend to retract my last sentiment about getting laid like it's Armageddon.
3+ {The loneliest mile}
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Oh, and I want to make sure that my last few days in existance are pleasureable, so I'll be taking donations of sex here on out. Seriously.
3+ {Hazushite}
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Anyway, one of the more negative epiphanies (or e-Tiffanys, as I like to say sometimes) I found was that the other day as I was laboring away at my not-really-a-job-job-but-I-still-get-paid, I had been awake since 8:30 (an alarmingly early hour as of recent) and didn't finish at my bosses' house until about 3:30. Throughout the entire day I was unable to focus and had a massive headache, it was so very unbearable. But what I found out after that, when I went to the mall to return some shirts at Old Navy and got me some Panda Express and an after-meal ciggy, was that my headache might've been caused by a need for nicotene. I've told that to Steve and my grandma and they probably think that it's more likely due to the fact that I didn't have anything to eat for a few hours later, as opposed to needing a nicotene fix. I'm hoping it's the former, because I don't need another addiction in my life and I am loosely considering kicking the habit anyway - even though I just recently started getting those good light-headed feelings that one gets from a nikki rush. The jury's still out on this one...
As per something actually positive, as a denizen of the Sun Tran (the local bus transit system here in hell), I've noticed that some tasteful-looking businesses are beginning to emerge on the formerly-ghettofied Southside, that has been my home for the past 22 years. Not only is there an Olive Garden (which is as hifalutin as one can get here) not a freeway exit from my house, but along 6th Ave. (or 'Little Mexico' as I've come to know it) there's actually a sushi restaurant that's soon to open and a coffeehouse too! Though it might be too little too late to hold my interest in wanting to stay here more than I need to, I think it's fabulous that the stigma that's been attributed to my part of town is being lifted. Maybe future generations of queer bois that live in the area like me will find solace in hang out in cool locales like these and have a more prosperous time than I did.
Well... that's all for right now. I got called by my bosses to go and do some menial labor today. Seeing as the month's just about over and they want to get me paid by the end of each month AND they're going out of town, perhaps I'll get some spending cash. Maybe I can buy myself another pack of ciggies.
Another bit o'fun from Jono:
| Big Five Test Results |
| Extroversion (42%) moderately low which suggests you are quiet, unassertive, and aloof. Friendliness (58%) moderately high which suggests you are good natured, trusting, and helpful but possibly too agreeable Orderliness (32%) moderately low which suggests you tend to be unreliable, lazy, careless, and unmotivated. Emotional Stability (40%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and nervous. Openmindedness (74%) high which suggests you are very intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical. |
3+ {No one can tell us we're wrong}
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What I do is I burn some incense, put on Jimmy Eat World's "Goodbye Sky Harbor" and wait for the eleven-minute long instrumental fade out to start. Then, sitting on the floor next to my bed in front of a lit candle I sit with legs crossed and meditate. It's very soothing and I don't know why I haven't adopted that sooner. Maybe I'm just being trendy, but I think I'll give myself more credit than that. It's too soon to tell if there'll come anything as far as the aid in dropping my weight is concerned, but I'll be sure to keep that posted.
Finally, a little midnight snack courtesy of Jono:
{Just as long as I wasn't rated the same thing as that horrid Vin Diesel movie}
3+ {I am but one small instrument}
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I'm also a little troubled by this vexing little thing called love. There's this guy that lives across the country that I know through this online community and I have feelings for him that shames me to admit...
*Sighs* Like I ever would have a chance... I think I should just focus my energies on trying to find someone here.
3+ {How could you know just what you said}
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But this brings about a newfound sense of independence, I feel somewhat like the hifalutin city-folk-type of person that I've always wanted to be like but have relegated myself to believe I will never be as long as I live in this one-horse, cowpoke, Starbucks-deprived town. Well, today's adventures on the Sun Tran were very much like what I had wanted to experience if I were to be living in a �ber-cool urban city.
I stopped on my merry way to the ILC today at the Puff 'n' Stuff on 4th Ave and treated myself to a box of Djarum Vanilla-flavored cloves. They're so tasty. After I leave here (which should be shortly, I've dallied quite a bit on this computer without really getting much done), I will get me some well-deserved Panda Express and then head back on my little ol' way home.
Hopefully things shall continue on this upward curve of goodness.
PS: I'm currently listening to the new Brandy song "Should I Go," though I give her mad snaps for having enough taste to sample Coldplay's wondermous and haunting "Clocks," it seems that there seems to be no sort of time limit anymore for people before a song is sampled! I mean, Jeebus girl, this song only came out in December of 2002!
.
After my embarrassingly blunderful 'first day' at Domino's, after which I never went back because my incompetent father never got it in his head that I NEED my car in working order, he actually borrowed it that following Sunday (WITHOUT my permission, mind you), and proceeded to crash it - rather, jump the curb with it. Apparently, it was to avoid a head-on collision with someone who didn't see where they were going. But still, my car, which has very low ground clearance to begin with, jumped the curb, and got totally fucked up on her underside.
And though he's promised me that he'd either fix it (which he should very rightfully do), or get me a rental car (which I never believed he'd do), alas, not deviating from his character, he has left it to stay there, on the edge of our property where she can very well either be hit by a unmindful motorist or even stolen by someone desparate enough to steal a car that doesn't run. At any rate, it's almost been two weeks and nothing has come of it. After my grandmother left him a strongly-worded letter basically telling him to get his shit together and not only fix my car but pay the house mortgage, he told me a couple of days ago that he's having a mechanic friend of his come over and take a look at my poor suffering Mina. Though I'm naively hopeful that maybe he'll actually be considerate and cut me a properly deserved break, at the same time I'm not holding my breath about it.
On the other hand, this mindset bodes negatively for me because with the aid of my dear grandmother letting me borrow her car once and a while and through the help of Job Services (to whom I reported to today), I've been making good progress in my search for work. And with the advent of a shiny new career on the horizon, I cannot afford to rely on public transit to get me where I need to go everyday. I need Mina back and, if the situation need call for it, I will start threatening to call the cops on my father so that he will get off his lazy duff and stop fucking wronging me all the time! I mean, my grandmother actually recommends that I do this, because quite frankly, nothing short of it seems to be working. But in staying tune with my characteristic Pisces nature, I would do anything to avoid confrontation. The thing is, I'm pretty sure that man knows this too and is using it to his full advantage.
But things aren't all gloom and doom. Like I already mentioned, I've been thoroughly combing the vast wasteland that is the Tucson job market and believe I'm making excellent progress, if I do say so myself. Plus, while I was at the Job Services office today registering, I called up the Unemployment Insurance line and let them know of my registering and soon a weekly unemployment check will be forthcoming until I can start working again. I do however, implore the spirits that be and ask for there to be something to come of my lack of (reliable) transportation.
Also, yesterday, dear Gloria decided to take the helm as group chauffeur and we all hung out and whatnot. After the evening ended and she took me home (I was last, seeing as I live the furthest from everyone else), we had a very good chat. She basically said that I should definitely go back to school. As if she were telling me that that's my only ray of hope from escaping this vicious cycle that is consuming my life. But she was spot-on with that, I think that that IS my only way of getting the fuck outta here and getting my dreams to materialize. Oh, and we also sang along to the songs that were playing on the radio.
I swear that I will not allow myself to fall into the low expectations that this world has set for me. Even if it kills me, I will forge ahead and make sure that I am not overcome with this situation that has forced me to curtail my deepest desires and chances at true happiness. Though I may be in limbo now, I promise that I will one day look back on this time from a position where I can say that I was grateful to have gone through to make me who I will become.
3+ {We were meant to live...}
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But anyway, yesterday, with much eagerness and anticipation, I reported to what I thought would be the first of many fruitful days at Domino's. Things started out alright enough, I met the driver that would train me, Gabe, and we set about in his well-worn Tracker and listened as he breezed by a training checklist. On our deliveries, we encountered some cheapskates and an angry woman who apparently thought she knew what we were doing. Despite from what I had perceived as being an unfairly large delivery area and a bad pool of cheapskates that didn't tip more than 10� and the fact that I had to have my insurance company fax over a current proof of insurance (the one I had was a month old), I still had an optimistic outlook on it all. However, when the time came for them to do a vehicle inspection of Mina (which I wasn't expecting), I told them that because my wipers wouldn't stop running (which is true, I don't know if I've made mention of that yet), I took out the fuse that controls them, unfortunately that's also the fuse that controls my turn signals. Because of that, I was unable to use my car for delivery, marking that the end of my training for that day. Gabe told me that if I get them fixed by Friday (when he works again) that I'm more than welcome to come back to finish my training and officially be welcomed aboard as a member of their crew.
That seemed like the last straw, though I've entreated my father to get my car looked at (he's a mechanic and counts several of his friends as well), it still isn't completely done. I think that I've humiliated myself enough in front of the hard-working and honest crew at Domino's, so I'll take myself away from there and search for employment elsewhere.
I'm probably going to apply at Steve's job and even Adam called me and offered to get me a job packet from his place of employment, so things are far from bleak for me. I just have to figure out how to keep my creditors at bay for the time being. Wish me luck.
3+ {Trying to make ends meet}
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{emotional me}
{fly me to the moon}
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