Big city dreams for a small-city boy

{Halloweener}
30 October 2004 @ 4:38 PM

BGM: Jimmy Eat World - "23"
Wanting: To party
Wearing: grey FTL long-sleeved tee, black Hot Topic 'Game Over' tee, ON painter's jeans

Tomorrow's Halloween, or Samhain for the Wiccanly inclined. I'm not dressing up, if I do, it'll be as a makeshift Mormon Missionary. I have all the pieces for it. If I do dress up, I'll be sure to post a piccie or two, just to show mah hawt ass off (not implying any possible nudity).

3+ {What are you hoping for?}

.

{Salty}
27 October 2004 @ 3:03 PM

BGM: Modest Mouse - "Ocean Breathes Salty"
Wanting: the opposite of depression and apathy
Wearing: maroon ON polo-style shirt, grey FTL long-sleeved undershirt, tan ON cargo pants

Hmm... I suddenly feel depressed. I came here today after about a week of forced abstinance full of excitement and happiness, then it all is dashed away. I think it might be because of I'm getting a lot of negative energy from one of my friends that I'm chatting with online right now. Damned empathy. Otherwise everything else is fine.

3+

.

{Who looks like a girlfriend}
19 October 2004 @ 4:43 PM

BGM: The Killers - "Somebody Told Me"
Wanting: a sleeker, sexier, maybe more masculine haircut
Wearing: grey ON 'Los Angeles' tee, ON worker's jeans

I haven't quite grown comfortable with my newly-shortened crown. I haven't gotten around to taking an actual photo of it yet, but I can tell you that it looks strangely reminiscent of Sailor Moon character Ami/Sailor Mercury's hair, which doesn't really do me or the sweet, nerdy girl that sports it justice. I don't have much else for today. Nothing new has happened.

3+ {I've got potential}

.

{I say, don't you know?}
14 October 2004 @ 5:54 PM

BGM: Franz Ferdinand - "Take Me Out"
Wanting: a night out drinking
Wearing: white ON polo-style shirt w/blue chest stripe, denim ON worker's jeans, turqoise bandana

Time for a real update, y'all. I've been so incredibly busy these past couple of weeks that I've barely even had some 'gentleman's time' to myself (you know what I mean). Anyway, a brief summarization of the weeks past is as follows:

Like I said a few entries ago, with the advent of my lowlife father not paying the electricity bill that our power turned off, I did the only sensible thing that I could do and gathered up some clothing for my brother and I and high-tailed it back on over to my grandmother's house for some salvation. From there, I've only stopped by intermittently to get some more essentials and see if I could cast an evil eye on my depraved sire.

Shortly thereafter, we received notice that the mortaging company would no longer be accepting our requests for an extension to pay. It was only sometime afterward that a realtor lady got in touch with us and offered to sell the house for us, if we were able to leave it immaculately clean. That means that not only do we have to clean, scrub, santize and possibly exorcize everything under the roof (and in the backyard) top to bottom, but we have to do such a task in less than two weeks (it was originally three, but a week or so has passed). And sparing no embellishment, our house was left looking like ground zero. That jerko (my father) truly left our work cut out for us. Luckily, if we are able to accomplish such a feat, we stand to receive up to $5000 from the house's sale, which is by any measure, a good deal. To secure our chances in that, we've (my uncle Adrian, my brother and I) engeniously employed the aid of our friends to come over this coming Saturday and help us out, repaying their efforts with a barbecue later on at my grandma's house.

Last Wednesday, I attended a Career Fair at the Convention Center. A plethora of employers there and hardly a place I felt worthy of my talents. I guess it would've helped if I had updated my resumé to include the administrative work that I had done for my realtor boss. But c'est la vie, I'll soon find what I'm looking for.

Mina has been saved from any possible vandals back at my old house, and my uncle Adrian is confident that he can fix her himself, which is more to his credit than I could give anyone my father could've hired. Though she is still blanketed in a layer of dust from lack of use, I feel a hell of a lot better now that she's where we can all keep a protective eye on her.

Biggest news of all, last week my brother went to Gadabout salon (he knows a girl whose sister is training there) for a hair relaxing (re: straightening). And fortunately for me, another stylist-in-training there herself needed a person to come in, get their hair relaxed and do a 'creative cut' to help her in her certification. Feeling the spirit of change move me, I decided to volunteer myself up for the job. So, last night I went and very brazenly, told them to cut my ponytail off (which save for the monthly trim, has been growing for exactly three years) and to give me a coif that would do my face shape justice... and make it cool-looking while they were at it too. Even though the trainee did achieve the task of dramatically shortening my hair, she did it a bit overly and now I feel that she left my hair a bit TOO short. I had asked for straightness; got it. I had asked for bangs; I got 'em. I had asked for layers; got those too. I had asked for her to make the length in the back to be down to the base of my neck... well three out of four isn't bad, I suppose. So yeah, I have a cool new look, but unfortunately, the back part's a little too short and I actually have a very feminine head of hair on my right now. But since I seem to blessed (or damned) with some folicular turbo engine, I'll have the length I want in no time.

PHEW! So there, I've gone ahead and summarized what I've been up to for this lengthy period of absence. I wish I could say that the time I've spend away was more productive than it was, but at least I can comment on saying that it's been a more productive period than when I was living with my jackass of a father. Hopefully things will continue looking up.

3+ {You say you don't know}

.

{Lyrics: Green Day - "American Idiot"}
07 October 2004 @ 5:25 PM

BGM: see above
Wanting: food
Wearing: grey ON 'Los Angeles' tee, ON Painter's jeans

Don't wanna be an American idiot
Don't want a nation under the new mania
And can you hear the sound of hysteria
The subliminal mindfuck America

Welcome to a new kind of tension
All across the alienation
Everything isn't meant to be okay
Television dreams of tomorrow
We're not the ones who're meant to follow

For that's enough to argue

Well maybe I'm the faggot America
I'm not a part of a redneck agenda
Now everybody do the propaganda
And sing along in the age of paranoia

Welcome to a new kind of tension
All across the alienation
Everything isn't meant to be okay
Television dreams of tomorrow
We're not the ones who're meant to follow
For that's enough to argue

Don't wanna be an American idiot
One nation controlled by the media
Information age of hysteria
It's calling out to idiot America

Welcome to a new kind of tension
All across the alienation
Everything isn't meant to be okay
Television dreams of tomorrow
We're not the ones who're meant to follow
For that's enough to argue

.

{You cry you learn}
30 September 2004 @ 7:34 PM

BGM: God (Alanis Morissette) - "You Learn"
Wanting: to live
Wearing: dark grey ON plaid button-front shirt, grey ON 'Los Angeles' shirt, denim ON jeans

I've officially now signed up to be a student at the ITT Technical Institute. Today I went and took care of all the loose ends with the financial aid reprsentative and as of November 29th, I'll be beginning the two-year-long journey down my career path. Finally! Now that all those in my graduating class that went to college right after high school have pretty much graduated from college, it seems like I'll be getting my own rightly-deserved chance.

Other than that, things seem pretty much the same as they ever were. I've not yet found a job, but I'm somewhat enjoying it this way. Even though I know very well that if I want to continue being a woman about town, I have to get my arse up and find myself something to occupy my time all the while getting paid for it. Because though I feel that 'work' is a four-letter word, it's also a necessity (damn me for not having any rich, eccentric relatives that left everything to me in their wills).

The Jimmy Eat World concert is on October 24th and I still haven't gotten my tickets yet! I SOOO want to go! and it's so damn impossible to get their new song "Pain" to download. All the files that I try are corrupted! Damnable mess.

With the bit of change that I got from my final paycheck from my boss, yesterday I treated myself to a day out. I went and bought myself a pair of black and smoke-colored Vans Graphs (very sweet and on sale for $39.99) and since my asshole of a father lost one of my old ones, a new pair of flip-flops (which I dare not mention the price for). Then I went out for some Pei Wei (their crab wontons are so delicious!) and then went home.

That is of course, after I went back to my house and brought back some essentials (namely clothes for my brother and my nightstand and reading lamp). The house back there is such a fucking mess. Save for the fact that there aren't any burn markings or holes in the walls, I would dare say that it literally looks like ground zero there! Before I left that first night when our power was shut off because his ass couldn't pay it, I didn't have any ill will toward him (at least, none that were near my surface), but after being back with my grandmother for a week and seeing that even though she's physically worse off than he is, at least she's able to keep things running at her house. I burn with anger at that thought; how could I have let my brother and I be swayed into thinking that things would be okay living with this vice-soaked idiot? It's insufferable and confounding all at once. I really had to resist the urge to do something to satiate my ire when I went there (of course he wasn't home at the time), but luckily I managed to get in and leave without any incident.

But it's things like this that fuel my drive to want to push forward and actually succeed in life. I don't want to be subject to the pratfalls that have taken in most all the other members of my family. It's tremendous pressure and I don't always feel like I'm up to it, but I know that if it's up to my brother and I (seeing as we're the only ones in our generation to have even attempted college) to bring pride and hope to our family. But you take your inspiration where you can get it, I suppose.

But, I didn't mean to drag the tone of this entry down. I'm really in a pleasant mood right now, aside from the fact that I'm trying to make a new mix CD, but the songs I want won't download. I only now hope that this slow upward grade that my life is on will remain constant.

3+ {You scream you learn}

.

{Miracle Power}
28 September 2004 @ 5:28 PM

BGM: PGSM Cast - "Friend"
Wanting: love would complete me nicely right now
Wearing: indigo ON shirt w/blue/grey chest stripes, tan ON cargo pants

Ever have one of those days where everything seems so perfect and sublime that if they were any better people would break out into song, kinda like a musical? Well, today has been very much like that.

Funny though, because at the beginning of the day, I couldn't seem to muster up the energy to get my ass out of bed. Luckily, that was rectified quickly. Upon getting up and actually eating breakfast for one of the first time in ages, and bolted right out the door towards the bus stop (oh, and I've moved back in with my grandmother, BTW, but that's for another entry) and went to my job at the realty company for what I didn't yet know was to be the last time.

Working at my boss' house wasn't as bad as I used to make it out to be. Which really changed when I told him that I wouldn't be able to work for him anymore. The reason why I decided to take myself away from this seemingly easy position was for one thing, my boss was a really pushy guy (albeit passive-agressively) and that I just didn't want to helm the mounting responsibilities associated with the position anymore. Which is just as well. Anyway, I trained this new guy (very easy), and then went driving with my boss to look for some futons/daybeds so that he could put in his office. I actually also got a free hamburger and use of his car for an hour out of it too.

Upon returning back to the office, I added up my hours for this month and my boss had enough trust in me to fill in the amount of my paycheck. Though I was tempted to add a few hours, I decided that I didn't want to incur any bad karma, so I just added the right amount. Two hundred and sixty-four dollars. Pretty sweet for being less than part-time, no?

Anyway, once leaving the office for the last time, I had such a happy spring in my step, that I could've just broke out into a dance number. Well, I actually did, I did the hand motions for Minako's "Romance" (this will probably be lost to anyone who hasn't seen Pretty Guardian Sailormoon, which for the sake of simplicity is a very fun and cute dance involving lots of hand gestures). Once getting to the bus stop, I had myself a celebratory cigarette. Nicotene has never tasted so sweet.

After cashing my check, on my trek around downtown and even at the bus station, the good, honest people seemed to have a very unnatural joie de vive to them, it was so refreshing to see. I tell ya, it was thisclose to becoming a Björk music video.

But now I'm enlightened and refreshed. On Thursday I have a meeting at ITT Tech to finally score away my financial aid paperwork so that I can be a legit student there, at the begin of a two-year path that shall lead me to a lucrative and happy career/life. I can't wait!

Some quizzies from Jono:

{Work it, GIRL!}


{Don't wanna be an American Idiot}

3+ {I'm proud of you}

.

{Lamé and suck}
22 September 2004 @ 6:14 PM

BGM: Luna (Koike Rina) - "Sweet Little Resistance"
Wanting: a crutch
Wearing: sky blue ON ringer, dark grey ON cargo shorts

As the petulant yin to my peaceable yang, the past few days following my last sunny entry have been mostly anything but. The other day, my brother and I found ourselves scrambling about the University area in hopes of catching the last few buses home. Luckily, we did, though it came at a price of having a very nasty pain on my right shin and very hurting feet.

That transpired on Friday, I do believe. Well, up until yesterday, I could very confidently say that I wasn't experiencing any pain or discomfort with my shin, but my right foot on the other hand was a little twingy every now and then. I could walk, but I had a little limp in my step. Then yesterday, I was supposed to go back to my boss' house to swing my usual 10:00-3:00 shift. Well, the pain in my foot was unbearable, I couldn't put my full weight into my foot and I can't walk without a lot of limping and dragging. It was so inconvenient that I had to call into work and cancel my plans for the day and today too. I was supposed to have a meeting with ITT Tech for financial aid, but I had to reschedule.

But, by divine intervention (I was hella bored), I decided to just throw caution to the wind and venture outside, albeit without the full force and joie de vie that I had hoped. A hobbling limp would have to do.

I'm trying not to let it dampen my spirits; tomorrow I fully intend to go into work and come hell or tapered pants, I will go to my rescheduled financial aid meeting at ITT Tech this Monday.

3+ {Masani MASAKA SAKASAMA Shalala}

.

{Lamé and charm}
20 September 2004 @ 2:07 PM

BGM: PGSM cast - "Friend"
Wanting: as amazing as it sounds, nothing at all
Wearing: dark grey ON ringer, ON denim jeans

The past few days have been somewhat blissful and serene for me, quite unusual given the ever-changing landscape of my world. Nonetheless, I've been enjoying life lately, despite the fact that there are things that remain the same and things that would normally serve nothing more than distress.

On Saturday night, I got together with my sanity-mates Steve and Gloria and we hung out and had quite a time. We decided to do our increasingly normal routine of loitering at Barnes & Noble, reading some various pieces of literature and just doing some people-watching.

There, I ran into an acquiantance I knew from high school. We chatted for quite a bit and did some catching up (damn, it's been four years already?) and I ended up inviting him to our other increasingly normal Saturday night activity; drinks and desserts at Something Sweet.

Once there, Steve and Gloria went and made use of their computers and I chatted with my friend a bit more. During the course of the evening, I found out that he and I have loads in common and have very similar personalities; despite the fact that he's a Gemini.

After a while, during which we both ordered nothing due to lack of funds on my part and he being hungry for actual food rather than dessert, we decided to part ways with the other two. Luckily, we didn't need to go far to find something good to eat. In the same shopping plaza as Something Sweet, a gay food & spirits place called Colors had just recently opened up and we decided to go check it out. Once there, we found out that since it was after 11:00 PM, they weren't offering a full menu anymore for the evening. Instead, we had to make due with their appetizers menu, which was seemed fine enough for us. After dining on a quesadilla and some calamari, we decided to call it a night.

As fortune would have it, he actually lives on the same street as I do and we went home togther in his car. On the way we did more talking and catching up, it was so fabulous. We've made tentative plans to go out to the movies sometime.

As for other things, I've told my boss that I was quitting here (I'm at his office right now and typing this in while he's out). Of course, he wasn't here when I had said that to him, so I had left him a note. He took it better than I had expected and told me to hang around a couple more weeks while he finds a suitable replacement for me. I've already recommended Steve, because he's been looking for extra work right now and I think he could find this job easier on him than me. He're hoping for that.

And another factor that I can attribute my pleasant mood to is the weather. A storm system coming up from Baja California has dumped some very welcome rain and has cooled the day a bit. Today's been so unseasonably cool that I feel very delighted to be able to spend it out and about going about my daily routine.

Some smaller contributions are that my boss actually complimented on how I've been looking slimmer lately. I guess that can be attributed to my running around a lot and trying to catch the bus. Also, I'm not eating as much as I used to (though that's mostly due to the fact that there's never really anything to eat). And, I haven't had a cigarette in about two days. Normally, I'd be itching to get my fix, but right now I feel perfectly fine without it.

I love it.

3+ {My best friend}

.

{Kizuite}
15 September 2004 @ 5:12 PM

BGM: Sponge - "Plowed"
Wanting: Hitotsu dake negai wo kokoro no KAGI hazushite
Wearing: white ON polo-style shirt with blue/black stripe, ON painter's pants

I thought I'd update here just for the sake of killing some idle time. I've been having quite a boring time as of late and I've contemplated what it is that's brought me here. I mean, I know that my own actions have a starring role in that, and to another extent my father does too. But what I'm wondering right now is if I had the power to physically just up and leave right at this very moment, would I?

I've pondered this for such a long time, definitely since high school finished, and I'm pretty sure that it's been a passing thought every now and then before that. Moreover, I know that I've brought this up as a diary subject more times than I care to say. But why do I do this, I wonder? I know that the number one reason why I don't leave everything down here in Tucson is because I feel like I have a responsibility to my family and friends. I feel like there's too much that I'm needed down here for for me to make such a big and all-affecting decision. But then again, when times like this allow, I delve further into that thought and wonder, if I'm so needed, why do I find myself day after day either bored at home or at the ILC or lamenting my semi-job (which I am at right now, by the way)?

Surely this would have to mean that I'm not as held back as I feel I am, at least not by others. Granted, there are those that I'd miss, and surprisingly those that would miss me, but if they care as much as I'd give them credit for, they would understand that I'm just not prospering here. Here in Tucson, I merely exist; nothing more, nothing less. I'm not out making my dreams reality and I'm not living my life its fullest. So what am I doing?

I'll tell you what. I'm waiting for something that probably will never happen. I'm waiting for some person to come into my life and say, "Here is your future. Your career. The love of your life. Now, be happy." And unfortunately, that's not how it works. One's life isn't determined by another, the only one that should rightfully dictate what happens to me is me. I've made it quite clear that I don't know just what the hell I expect out of life, but I do know that I don't want to remain so effing maliable that I'll let others impose their will on me and tell me who I should be.

Well now that I've wrested that epiphany from myself, it should be easy to continue on, resolute in my feeling that though I'm still without aim, I know that I don't want to do something that I don't like, right? Well, unfortunately that doesn't seem as easily done as it is said. As a result of my radically swayable nature, I feel like I can't give people a bad turn if I don't feel they deserve it; even then there's some trouble.

It's this damned inability to say no that's gotten me where I am now. I can't express what I don't like for fear of hurting other people's feelings. So if I tell my boss that he's just too much and I don't feel comfortable in working for him, then I feel like shit and because I think that I'm being selfish in my demands. In regards to working here, how can I tell that I'm not fit for it? Well, simply put, I don't feel like this is for me. Real estate, and all of its components are things that I find incredibly dull. My boss seems to think that he can make my future for me, but the thing is, that I don't want this. It's something that affects my spirit and I can't say that this is something I find enjoyable.

So then, what do I like? Well, I enjoy being on the University campus. I enjoy being amongst people in my own age group and having fun with a group of like-minded individuals. I like expressing myself through my drawings and writing; as I am now. And, as it would seem, I'm probably best cut out to be a life-long student or a very über-fab Bohemian artsy type that knows nothing about boundaries. This is what I think I'm suited best for, given my specific penchants.

I've decided to tell my boss that I'm no longer going to be able to commit myself to working for him. As much of a coward that will make me, I care not. For I think that I've reached my breaking point and it will be best to go out like this rather than just a continued daisy chain of deceit and unspoken feelings. In the end, it'll all turn out better.

Now if I could only convince myself of that.

.


{where do i start?}
i am... a dancer and a dreamer, latino, gay, a singer, a poet, an artist, a son, a brother, no one's lover, way too obsessed with sailor moon for my own good, a romantic, temporarily unemployed, and too much more to list here

{emotional me}
The current mood of invernal at www.imood.com

{fly me to the moon}
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{sprites!}
Sailor Luna: Chibi-usa, reenvisioned Sailor Moon: at least this gif has the ponytails hanging properly; BEHIND her Tuxedo Kamen: aka - T3H M45K3D MULL37
Sailor Jupiter: who? Sailor Mercury: once was lost, now a geek Sailor Mars: Venus' girltoy Sailor Venus: Mars' daddy

{cool-style}
i was always blue-green cuz we are living in a material world...
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Haruka to Michiru kirei
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