{And nothing else compares...}

{Ray of Light}
17 May 2003 @ 8:56 PM

BGM: "Sky Fits Heaven" by Madonna
Wanting: Jono
Wearing:

I've been shown the light, yet it blinds me. Nevertheless, the truth that shines through it all tells me that I need to go to it. I stand here at a crossroads, one of many that I've encountered in my life and wonder, do I follow the light that promises to show me new things and maybe some kind of salvation or do I stick with the path of self-delusion and self-deprication that is well-beaten and painfully familiar?

Anyhow, I got an email today; two actually, which I'll have you believe is a rarity nowadays. This is because aside from my daily horoscope, my daily mailing of Get Fuzzy and the regular mailings of the EON listserv, I don't seem to get many fans or friends writing me much anymore.

Well, the first email I got was from this one guy that somehow found (one of) my Yahoo! screen name(s), found out that I liked anime and decided to email me and ask if I wanted to start a conversation about it. I figured, what's the problem with that? I'm never one to turn down one that wants to be my friend and I sure as hell wouldn't turn away one that wants to talk about anime. So I write him back and let him know that I'm interested. It wouldn't be in my character though, to not have some kind of slight wariness about it, because although he could've found me as easily as searching for people with interests similar to his, he could also be stalking me (but then isn't everyone in my delusional mind?).

[Dramatic pause complete with creepy organ music]

But whatever, that's not really what's prompted me to write this, what did is my apparent attitude problem. I don't know what it is, but I guess I'm far too negative for my own good. I mean, I know that I have a viciousness to my personality that surfaces when I feel seriously slighted, but I didn't know that people seem to have a problem with it. Case in point is my Georgia daddy Jono who brought that situation to my attention.

Everyone (especially my roommate) will attest to my bitchiness/cattiness. I am only a gay man after all. But what is it about me that no one can tell me when I'm being overly? I know that when I'm not busy being a male version of Margaret Cho I'm seem like a quiet, somewhat introverted nice dude.

People have always called me on that, they've always either critized me for being so shy or have applauded me for being so polite. Yet, it seems like they need to sugarcoat or dumb things down when they have to tell me something that they feel I can't handle.

People, let's make something clear, though I'm not one that likes things to be brutally blunt, it's not like I'm some Fabreg� crystal thing that needs to be handled immaculately.

That's why I like Jono for what he said. He's made me realize that I am far too busy dwelling on the dark side to just sit back and let the world's pressures just wash over me for once. And just as I keyed that in, I realize that I am possibly the world's biggest hypocrite. I am forever going on and saying that the world just needs to loosen up and roll around in a field or something, when I frequently seem to exude a tightness stronger than Anna-Nicole Smith's outfits. I mean, it's not like I do it intentionally, not by a long shot. I love being able to act like a carefree 12-year-old again and I will never fully consider myself to be an adult, not while I'm still moved to tears by certain songs, while I still laugh at old Tom and Jerry cartoons (despite their graphic violence) and not while I still have it in me to love. Motivational speech aside, I still find that what others deem "negative" is something that seems to fit me well from time to time. It's like when I feel like I'm just another pawn in the great chess game that is the real world, I find that feeling sorry for myself works, especially since no one else is going to cry for me.

Be that as it may, I guess now that I know that people worry about my well-being, I should definitely look into some serious self-improvement. It's not like I'm doing it because I'm starting to get flack for it (I'm not hatin'), but because I've actually been working on it now for some time, but it does become easy for me to go back to that sad-looking-boy in the corner of the playground that no one wants to talk to because he doesn't have an approachable exterior. Little do they realize that he's screaming for someone to reach out to him.

Well, I've got to, Matt and I have to go to Dee's graduation party. Thanks again to Jono and to everyone else who (I now know) cares for me!

{A mostly CONned Friday night}
17 May 2003 @ 3:22 AM

BGM: nothing
Wanting: more than this
Wearing:

I FUCKING HATE COMPUTERS!!!

I have just spent a good half an hour typing in a multiple-paragraph entry on how hellacious my Friday was but how it was salvaged by watching Malibu's Most Wanted and The Matrix Reloaded at the drive in.

Well, I just somehow hit the ESC key and poof! It was ALL FUCKING GONE!!!

ARRGH! If I could convey my anger/frustration at this whole thing right now any better than by writing about it, I would certainly be all over it!

I'll have to give a very short and abridged version of the day, pro and con style:

Getting overtime for working on my day off. PRO.
Stupid people for only giving me a single 15-minute break despite me working six and a half hours. CON!
A really cute guy (looks kinda bear-like) that I work with who's originally from Illinois talking to me today. PRO ^_~
It was to ask me if I had change for a five and me having to tell him no. CON :((
My seemingly-endless tenure by voluntary subjection to hell (work) finally ended. PRO.
I get home and find Matt frustrated and angered (most likely, at least some of it has to do with me). CON.
I went to the movies with Ruben, Shaunda and Ruben's brother Ben. PRO.
Matt doesn't go with me and is set on going hiking in Sabino Canyon at about 7:00 in the morning on Saturday (today actually). (sigh) CON.
On our way over to the drive-in, we stop at the most ghettofied Fry's store and wasted a good 40 minutes buying a bunch of junk food. KAWN.
Luckily, Ruben paid for my stuff that I got and the drive-in was right nearby. PRO.
Ruben getting seriously angered (and going way out of character) by (and I say this with the sarcastic quotation marks) "bad Tucson drivers" while waiting to make a left turn into the drive in. The irony of it is, that for some reason, they looked to be driving okay enough to me. CON(fusion).
Before I left the house to meet the others, I was told that our double-feature would be of The Matrix and Phone Booth. However, upon arrival we found out that it was not going to be the latter show with The Matrix but Malibu's Most Wanted. Though Jamie Kennedy is annoying as Carrot Top selling long-distance calls, he's still kinda cute. So I guess this should be kind of a PRO-- I'll just call it a CRO.
The movie times that someone else had looked up (probably Ruben) were wrong and we ended up coming in during an earlier showing of The Matrix and ended having the last 20 minutes of it spoiled. CON!!
Our good friend Adam shows up about midway through the first movie and MMW turns out to be an okay movie (and kinda funny to boot). PRO.
Once The Matrix gets started, we all sorta settle in. I, having both a jar of salsa for dipping and a cup of chocolate soymilk on Ruben's dash side-by-side unknowingly pick up the soymilk thinking it was the salsa, tip the cup to try to dip a chip, and spill a good portion of it on my shirt and pants. CON!
Ruben, who makes it very obvious when he's not into something (and who hasn't even seem the first Matrix movie enough to comprehend what's going on in this one) starts talking right through the damned movie! DOUBLE CON!
A car with two girls that looked like they were either in the late teens or early twenties pulls up right next to us on my side. They have two very young children with them who constantly squeal and babble throughout the movie. It wouldnt've been so bad if they would've had their windows rolled up, but I think they were actually toking up or sniffing glue or some sh*t like that. XXX CON!
Because of the distractions, I cannot follow the Matrix's storyline very well and I am left confused by the time the credits roll. Shaunda attests to that being due it not having much a storyline to begin with. I end up agreeing, seeing as she seems to know best about these situations. F-ING CON!
The movie ends at about 2:30 and we go back to Ruben's house and pick up my car to go home. Once home I start typing about all that's transpired for the day but about thirty minutes into my first attempt, all of my efforts are lost (which were chock full of descriptiveness and wit) with a misguided keystroke. CONCONCONCON!!!
I'm either going to have to stay up to be ready in time to leave for the hiking trip or I'm just going to have to skip out on Matt and have him become ever more upset with me... but either way I'll still waste valuable time that I could be spending sleeping, so... CON.

I sometimes really hate my life. The rest of the time I think I'm too busy wrapped up in doing the things that makes me hate is so in retrospect.

Does that make any sense?

{The Matrix is telling me to go see the Matrix}
16 May 2003 @ 1:19 AM

BGM: something techno or hard-rockin'
Wanting: to be amongst Neo in the real world
Wearing:

Hmm... so Matt says that this guy he's got linked on his blog says that an Oxford scientist says that there is a 20% chance that we're living in the Matrix. That's a pretty big (if not a little over-zealous estimate). But then again, that response would only make sense because the Matrix has me programmed to think that and to dismiss movies that would dare reveal its truth

as mere science fiction.

But then again (again), it WOULD explain a lot of things. Like, how I so got gypped when I was handed this life.

I wonder...

HEY NEO (or some Chosen One-like person similar to him)! I'M TOTALLY SERIOUS DUDE, COME AND SAVE ME FROM THIS! I BELIEVE!

(Guess who never seems to get enough sleep?)

{"Prophecy" fulfilled}
15 May 2003 @ 12:22 AM

BGM: "Shiny Disco Balls" by some techno artist
Wanting: the money I made, NOW!
Wearing:

So it would seem that whole thing about money that I would come across today (as told by my horoscope) came true. It was in the form of being roped into doing some heavy overtime this Friday.

As it turns out, all sorts of people need coverage and they're willing to pay people the overtime bucks to get that taken care of. I signed up for some, knowing that while I may lose out on a day off, I'll be more than glad for doing it once payday comes around.

Unfortunately, though I told my brother that I'd be at his graduation, I've already signed up for coverage from 5:00 to 7:00 next week and seven's when the ceremony starts. I'm going to have to find some kind of crafty way of getting that resolved.

beast
You are Beast!

You are brilliant and extremely clever. You can
handle almost any problem swiftly and
efficiently. You are devoted to philosophy and
are always up for a good discussion.
Sometimes, though, your anger gets the best of
you and you upset those whom you care about.

Which X-Men character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

You should be an Aquarius, Basic Profile:

Progressive, original, idealist, altruistic, issue-
oriented, charismatic, up-to-date, visionary,
humanitarian, personable, imaginative,
generous, inspiring, practical, congenial,
casual, open-minded, amiable, inventive, off-
beat, but can be rebellious, eccentric,
thoughtlessness, contrarian, childish, aloof,
uninvolved, obstinate, antisocial,
unconventional, impressionable

~*What is your TRUE Zodiac sign?*~
brought to you by Quizilla

{Deeper analysis}
14 May 2003 @ 10:47 AM

BGM: "Spin" by Lifehouse
Wanting: money
Wearing:

Today's horoscope (Wednesday, 14 May 2003):

Dear INVERNAL,
INVERNAL, it may be that you win some money today. It could come from several places: The IRS might give you a refund because of a calculation error, or you might realize that an unexpected raise in your salary had been overlooked up until now. The possibilities for how this money will come your way are numerous. Take the money as a small sign from destiny to show that you are on the right path in all areas of your life.

That would be really nice. Now, I know that one must take mass horoscopes (like the ones in the newspaper for example) with a grain of salt, but I think that if you subscribe to a daily horoscope where you have to give your birthday to get it completely personalized are much better. They're not bound to the generalized advice that others give.

Anyway, last night after going to my grandmother's house, I met Matt at the Lounge for the weekly peer working group meeting and the EON Photography class' last meeting. We got our pictures back and critiqued them. Unfortunately, I felt that they glazed over some of the earlier stuff way too much and didn't give others a fair time to have theirs critiqued as well (including mine). But I'm not bitter. I looked at my pictures and they turned out pretty good. I guess I'm a better photographer than I give myself credit for. I especially like some of the photographs I took of neon signs. I'll try to get those scanned in sometime.

After that, we went over to Bentley's for some quiet time. As a result of all of the things I had in my head because of what my grandmother told me earlier the evening (see previous entry) and other stuff that I'd like to mention, I was in a really depressed-on-the-outside-look-but-deep-down-I'm-really-just-lost-in-thought-and-maybe-some-other-things. I don't know, I was totally working over the broody factor on that one. I'm really confused about a lot of things right now and I'm quite unsure of how to go about working them out.

But at least I should keep my eyes open for some surprise money, right?

{Nana lays the smackdown}
14 May 2003 @ 12:24 AM

BGM: "Feel" by Robbie Williams
Wanting: to not have to go through with this anymore
Wearing:

I think that one should consider it time to worry when your �ber-liberal, do-whatever-you-want-m�jo-I-still-love-you-like-my-own-son grandmother starts asking you about what your career plans are.

Today I went over to pick up my car payment bill. When visiting the Torres househould, one cannot just go in an out with a quick "hi" and "goodbye." No, it is far more customary (and in just plain good taste) to make conversation for at least half an hour and then collect your business to leave.

As I was catching up on the vast goings-on that have happened in the eons since we last saw each other (sometime last Friday), nana told me that my brother got about $11,000 in scholarships. I was with out a doubt thoroughly proud for him, for I believe that he may truly be the first one of the family to break through to the next level. But then she went on to ask me what my plans are and if I'm worried that I'll ever get them done. I let her know that I'm not in any hurry to get done and that I'm perfectly okay with the things in my life as they are (granted, I still need to come to a certainty as far as knowing which one to pursue whole-heartedly). I think that my confidence and easy-going attitude towards the situation cured her worries, if not at least quieted them for a moment.

But, as I left and as the night progressed, I began to give it some more serious thought. I wondered, why am I in such a situation? Why did I get myself into all of this debt and all of these payments left and right before getting secured in a career? Would it really have been so incredibly hard to have stayed with what I had been dealt and just concentrated on school?

This is where the proverbial wrench gets thrown into the proverbial gears. Yes, I may have just as easily have chosen the above path instead of deciding to strike out on my own. But would I have been happy dedicating myself 100% to school and forsaking a healthy social life due to lack of time and money?

Then I weighed the scenarios; my current situation in which I am fully a part of the working-class (albeit on the outside anyway) and have money for myself and have virtually no house rules to follow. Or the very likely life of school complete with homework (which I more than likely would not be doing only because I despise it so), studying (another thing that is very off-putting) and having to ask my grandma and uncles for money (which I really hate having to do).

And I think to myself, either one has its share of pros and cons. I don't think that the proverbial grass is greener on either side. But I do know that by walking down this path I've put on hold the possibility of having a career sooner and possibly even having financial security (and all the good stuff that's associated with it) at a younger age.

Oh, if only it weren't so hard having to carve out an existence. If only we were all on the same level and the most we had to worry about is what circle of friends to keep and what we're going to do for Friday night.

{It's a bird, it's a plane, it's - it's... a bill}
13 May 2003 @ 5:23 PM

BGM: none
Wanting: more money
Wearing:

I think it was Aristotle that said, "bills travel faster through the mail than checks." It was either him, or a book that roommate Matt's mom was reading with her girlfriend. Nevertheless, that is so true.