15 August 2003 @ 9:19 PM
Wanting:
more than this
Wearing:
black Coldplay concert shirt, navy blue Old Navy shorts
Glad you asked.
The phenomenon that's been going on for a few weeks now is that my Friday nights (and the rest of the day for that matter) are devoid of fun, random, hanging-with-friends-stuff that I so need to live. Okay, I'll be up-front, I WAS invited along to do something tonight. Yes, I'll let you have that. But it was to go see a movie. Not a very good movie at that either. It was Freddy vs. Jason *bleh*... I think I have higher standards than that.
But yeah, other than that, there has been nothing good to do at the traditional start of the weekend. Fox gets out a little too late from his theatre gig to seize the evening, Shaunda has to be up too early to even hang, Miranda has her own clique which I don't really fit into, Ruben's usually off doing his thing and anyone else never really calls me to do anything.
What's more, is that whenever we do hang, it usually involves shelling out some cold hard cash. *Sigh* I am in lament for over the cool things that we used to do those two magical summers ago. Those were the days, I tells ya.
I saw an episode of Buffy tonight on FX. It was the one where Anya is introduced and Xander and Willow are baddies (Xander in leather... *drool* Angel being dominated *kinky*). Anyway, watching that (and to a lesser extent, Moulin Rouge last night), had me falling back on my favorite regret; why didn't I do enough in high school so that I could be somewhat more artistically inclined (and maybe tried my hand at acting) that I would've been able to propel myself out of this Alanis'-Idea-Of-A-Joke town and maybe be in one of the big cities that I oh-so-dream about?
That's my big Hollywood fantasy, I'd so love to be a star so that I could see the world, interact with cool, new (and most usually cute) people. For me, it'd be not so much about the big Hollywood pay and all of the attention from nearly this world's six billion inhabitants, but just the fact that I could be THERE. OUT THERE. Living out my fantasies and being amongst a world created by dreamers. I know that while one is still able-bodied, it's never too late to persue their dream, but after a couple of years of remaining idle, the ease of casting everything aside just wavers and you're left shackled down to the reality that crept up behind you while you were too busy wishing it was different.
Le sigh... the rants of a jaded but hopeful dreamer.
I think I will take up Ruben on his horror flick, at least it'll give me something to do.
~A (You won't fool the children of the revolution)
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And lastly, we me be on the verge of a mini-outage here in good ol' Tucson. Some heavy monsoons are blowing and the skies are very noisy. For once, I'm hoping that doesn't happen, because I'm supposed to meet Shaunda so we can watch her newly acquired Moulin Rouge DVD at her house.
What a painfully interesting day it has been. Though thankfully d-land is up and running, apparently imood was affected.
~A (A friend in need's a friend in need, a friend with weed is better)
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"...And I have a lot of self-esteem, which is amazing �cause I�m probably somebody who wouldn�t necessarily have a lot of self-esteem as I am considered a minority. And if you are a woman, if you�re a person of color, if you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, if you�re a person of size, if you�re a person of intelligence, if you�re a person of integrity, then you are considered a minority in this world. And it�s going to be really hard to find messages of self-love and support anywhere�especially women�s and gay men�s culture. It�s all about how you have to look a certain way or else you�re worthless. You know when you look in the mirror, and you think, �Ugh, I�m so ugly, I�m so fat, I�m so old,� don�t you know that�s not your authentic self, but that is billions upon billions of dollars of advertising�magazines, movies, billboards all geared to make you feel shitty about yourself so that you will take your hard-earned money and spend it at the mall on some turnaround cream that doesn�t turn around shit.If you don�t have self-esteem, you will hesitate before you do anything in your life. You will hesitate to go for the job you really want to go for. You will hesitate to ask for a raise. You will hesitate to call yourself an American. You will hesitate to report a rape. You will hesitate to defend yourself when you are discriminated against because of your race, your sexuality, your size, your gender. You will hesitate to vote. You will hesitate to dream. For us to have self-esteem is truly an act of revolution, and our revolution is long overdue."
-Margaret Cho
~A
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I can't begin to describe the feelings that are washing over me. I'm sick at the lack of direction in my life, I'm tired of having to put my own needs last, I'm confused as to where I stand as far as finding that certain someone, I'm frustrated with the deterioration of my poor car's performance, and I'm fed up of having to put up pretenses in just about every aspect of my life. Worst of all, I'm pissed that right now I can't get into my freaking guestbook to see if anyone cares enough to let me know that it'll all be alright in the end, and just when I need reassurance the most!
I'm tired of everything! I'm tired of the one constant in my life being that the scenario above is an everday occurance. I need a way out. I need some salvation. I need someone to just take it all off my hands, if only long enough for me to step back from the ledge of insanity before I take a running jump into it.
All I really want is to just wipe the slate clean, go back to the start and do it anew. Granted, though I'm not living in anything near poverty, I am feeling like I'm just wasting my time, devoting 40+ hours a week to a thankless cause only to have all of my earnings frittered away to questionable impulses that in the long run aren't worth it.
*Deep sigh*
I guess I've backed myself into this corner. I need to get some sleep before I let all of this negativity consume me further...
The tears of hopelessness will send me off to where I have no worries. They will take me to the land where I am perfectly balanced with my environment. The land that only I can see. A world of my own dreams. If only I could live there forever.
~A (With one hand high, you'll show them your progress, you'll take your time, but no one cares, no one cares)
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This weekend was interesting in the least and long and straining to say the most. I haven't gotten in a good day's rest for a currently unrecallable amount of time and I have been running on empty all day. I think I've just reset the standard for spreading oneself too thin. I need sleep so bad it's not even funny. I have to go help Miranda out with her homework though, and I may even hang out with the usuals tonight too. I just want to sleep until Friday... which won't be a rest day either, cuz this weekend I'm pulling in 12 hours of overtime. Not fun, but at least for this time, I'll be getting paid double time instead of just time-and-a-half. I just have to keep telling myself that this is all going to be worth it in the end.
Unfortunately, I can't say much more right now. This is actually coming from Matt's computer, and he just got in from Flagstaff earlier (with a new set of ear piercings!), so he'd like to get some sleep as soon as I'm done. So I must be expedient. I just thought that I'd necessitate this post to let everyone (all three of you) of you know that I'm okay and that I'll get right back into it as soon as I can.
*Hugz*
~A (I couldn't if I tried)
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...
I know, it's really lame.
Anyway, late last night, Fox, Steven and I saw Matt off at the Greyhound terminal downtown. He's off to Flagstaff for a few days to apparently get away from it all (and by "it all," I'm thinking he means "us," but whatever, everybody's free, right?).
Anyway, as we saw him off, scant minutes from his departure, I felt something. I felt a bit of worry for him, him still being (one of) the youngest ones in our core group and all. I fear for his safety at times. But I also know that he's one of the most self-sufficient people I know too.
Also, I felt something else... something I hadn't felt for a long time about him. I felt a caring for him. Not just a normal caring that I feel for all of my other friends, but something more. Like a caring that I did when I first met him and I thought he was a living angel. What brought that about? Hell if I know. I hope it's nothing, because I was pretty bad over him, and I'd rather not put myself through that again. Not when I have an exciting new prospect in the horizon.
It probably just my protective nature taking hold a little too long. I'm sure that's exactly it.
The Beast
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{Well, I guess I've always kinda had a thing for hairy guys}
~A (There is something that you hide from me)
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{fly me to the moon}
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