09 January 2004 @ 10:13 PM
Wanting:
peace of mind
Wearing:
dark blue/grey ON hooded pullover, grey ON cargo pants
He showed that me that he was sorry by dragging me along with him as he went grocery shopping. Not a bad experience compared to others that I've had, I'll make that clear, but I still felt the pangs of awkwardness. Whatever, we agreed to a civil truce until we longer have to be in each other's presence any more.
Onto better news, today I got my paycheck and thanks for a couple of bonuses tacked onto it, I had an extra nice sum of money. I decided that, without going overboard, to treat myself out to a few things.
With that, I went to Park Place and bought a couple of pants at Old Navy (because my pants like to wear out at the crotch, go figure). Next, I decided that since I'm not going to have a surplus of money again for a while, I'd better take advantage. Keeping that in mind, I bought myself season one of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Lastly, my brother needed a new eyebrow ring, so we went to Spencer's and I decided to do something stupid, and got a second piercing on each one of my ears. I'd still like to get my cartelige pierced, but I'll wait on that.
But taking today's monetary excesses into mind, from now on, I'm going to be such a thrifty whore and will give every purchase a second thought. Alanis knows when I'll be able to spend freely again.
PS: I've had this in my mind for a few days (actually, ever since Monday night, after the candle incident); my brother and I spent two hours talking late at night about the hell that we live in. From there we got into the discussion of God and religion. Basically I was expressing my dislike of God (assuming he is there) not making his presence known and not giving us, his supposedly lowly followers a break every now and then. Well, my brother chimed in by saying, what if God giving you a day's worth of peace was his way of cutting you a break. It probably isn't translating well onto this form, but when he spoke that, it felt really profound and I was really surprised to hear him say something so poignant. It's definitely been on my mind and I'm probably going to take some time to analyze it a little more.
~A (This is it boys, this is war)
.
Tonight whatever shred of civility that lay between my mom's brother Adrian and I was quickly dashed in an incident incited by the rotten fruit of his loins.
As I arrived home from my last day of work for the week - which I will have it be known, was a really frickin' good day by even my standards, which by the way are usually non-existent - I find the horrible shrill cries of evil joy coming from those whom under better circumstances I'd call my toddler cousins from inside my grandmother's house. As I walked by them as they were climbing all over some chairs in the living room (muchly ignoring my grandmother's cries against so), they called out to me their usual childish epithet (which I now know is all that bastard Adrian's doing), I had just about enough of trying to be the better person and ignoring it. With that, I let them know the truth as I saw it and said, "You know what? Nobody loves you." Below the belt, perhaps, but vindicating to say the least.
Anyway, once the catalyst to my problems came home, the little brats told them what I had said. Fine. Now Adrian wanted to talk to me. Great. Except, 'talking' to Adrian is yelling at a person standing thisclose to them while pointing a condescending finger at them and expecting them to bend over backwards to his will. That's where the problem lies. Why? Because I refuse to back down from my convictions, especially to someone who doesn't give a damn about me, let alone give the cordial respect that being family demands.
Needless to say, with all this gasoline, the spark between us made quite the raging inferno. Mostly with Adrian standing so close to me that I could smell his stank-ass breath and both of us cursing each other out. During the mel�e, he kept provoking me to take a shot at him by saying that he'll kick my ass. If it wasn't by the grace of my brother intervening, there would've been lots of bloodshed in the Torres house. Not that I fancy myself a hardass; not by any means. My voice and right leg were quivering during the argument and my usual acid-laced tongue was replaced by the vocabulary of a 3rd grader. Not that Adrian's arsenal was any more eloquent (seriously, words like "fat-ass" and "faggot" can only work so long before you have to provoke them to be more creative), but then again war is never pretty.
Once we finished - wherein he still refused to back down - my brother (who though he was in total agreement with my argument, refused to side with anyone) and I escaped for a while.
I paid with a check for a pizza and we ate in the parking lot of the restaurant so that we wouldn't have to deal with the BS back home. As we were doing that, Matt called me and offered the simple salvation of letting me be in his presence rather than at home.
On the way over, I had a really good cry. I let loose all of my frustrations that would have manifested into something regrettably violent if I was to remain at home. Mixed into the tears of ventilation were those of lament for my mom, grandmother, my brother and even my dad for having to put up with this stuff and my own weakness in not being able to be strong enough and in a position to permanently remove myself from such problems. It was definitely a good release; lasting all the way until I got to Matt's house.
Though we are in each other's company, we're not doing what he said we'd do (go out to the gym), but I don't mind. Just so long as I can set myself apart from the source of my problems until they're at least asleep will work wonders on me anyway.
*Sighs*
I just wish that I could tear out and fly the fuck out of here. I'd take my immediate family along and my grandmother as well. For I feel that we deserve better and need to seek out the respect that we're being so wrongly denied.
~A (Why is it not my time?)
.
Saturday night we Hobbits* plus Adam and Ruben ventured up to PHX to hang out and go clubbing. We went to the gay Hamburger Mary's on 7th St. and enjoyed the ambience of family all around. From there, with Phoenix resident and EON old-schooler Bernadette, we ventured to BOOM, the infamously gay nightclub. The music sucked and a whole new batch of men awaited to ignore me, so I got as much fun as I could from that.
We stayed over at Berni's apartment near Paradise Valley. The next morning; rather, afternoon; we went to Tempe to cruise the Arizona Mills Mall. It was nice. Matt treated Fox and I to lunch at the Rainforest Cafe.
The trip itself was nice, but I had almost no money to my name, so I had to swallow large amounts of pride and have Stevie-chan and Mattie-poo pay my way. I'm definitely in their debt.
The night I got back in to Tucson, I almost burn myself to death on a scalding candle that had been left burning. Apparently my brother had left it on and it had burned so long that all the wax was liquid. Well, as he went to turn it off (when I was already asleep), he splashed a bit of water on it and caused it sizzle, making me wake up and start screaming like a banshee. It was then that I was swatting at it with my pillow and I caused it to splatter all over floor, with some scalding wax droplets hitting my knee. For a couple of days afterward, I was in incredible pain. Luckily today, though the redness still remains, it doesn't hurt.
Yesterday I went to my mom's sentencing. She's finally allowed to know how much longer it's going to be before we can start over again. She was given 60 months, minus time served, which have been 16 months already. Plus, if she takes this drug rehab thing in Phoenix they can cut off another year. Also, according to her lawyer, she can get two months off for every year that she gets with good behavoir. So taking all of that into consideration, the least that she's looking at will be 22 months. Not bad by any means, but still too very long for me to put my dreams on hold unfortunately.
Today, I went to the dentist and had two cavities on the left side of my mouth filled. That was at about noon, and just now is the numbness finally going away. I'm so happy that I'm finally slowly improving my physical aspects; plus I didn't have to shell out a dime! Goddess bless insurance!
Well, I have Matt and Steve waiting on me, so I must away.
C'est la vie
~A (Was is something that they said?)
*Coined collective moniker by Fox. Since our group cannoyt seemingly be without a name, he came up with this and assigned us each a resident hero from the Shire. He, of course being Frodo; Matt as Sam; Steven as Pippin and yours truly as Merry (much to my own please-edness).
.
In the meantime, if anyone still reads this and is on Friendster then please feel free to add me (finding me by using my email addy). I've only been on it for a few hours and to quote Matt, "it's more addicting than crack."
Later, kittens!
~A (I live amongst the creatures of the night)
.
It was very interesting to say the least. I had a very healthy intake of alcohol and pizza. A mix of cheese-less veggie pizza, Bacardi Vanilla Cokes, chips, Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers and champagne at midnight made for a very lush and happy Aaron.
Also, I managed to make peace with someone whom I had parted with rather messily a month or so back. Whether the night served as a way of ending whatever ill will was left between either one of us or maybe something more is not at all known to me, but I am very pleased at how it all turned out.
So, the alcohol-induced activities of the evening included a very strange and Ruben original game that was a mix of Truth or Dare, Spin the Bottle, any game involving stripping and writing a New Year's Resolution on a card. Luckily for yours truly, I was wearing enough layers of clothing that I no one got a glimpse of my goods. Spin the bottle was also thrown in for good measure. We did things a little different; on the first time the bottle lands on a particular person, one has to kiss him/her on the cheek; next time on the same person is a kiss on the lips, with no tongue; third time is a kiss/nibble/lick on the ear and fourth is a full-on tongue kiss, with every subsequent landing on one person extending the kiss longer. In previous soir�es du Ruben, whenever this game was played, I ended up snogging a few of my friends of the lesbian persuasion, much to my disappointment. This time however, I got to touch many a boy�s lips and even got to step four with a guy. Two unfortunate things on that however; one, it was Ruben and two; he had very nasty breath (very alky and slightly vomity *gags*)
Nevertheless, the party of the year certainly did not disappoint. I also got to experience two firsts. One, I got to be on the feminine end of my first-ever Body Shot. Gloria, my sarcosmic, 80�s hip, and diva counterpart took the shot, while I held the lime wedge in my mouth. I didn�t do any salt though; I�m not about letting people lick stuff off me unless they plan on taking it further. When Gloria came in for the lime, she seemed to be in such a hurry to get the taste of the tequila out that she came in for the lime like Hama Chisaki on a hamburger (inside joke, email me if you want an explanation). So, in her haste, we knocked teeth; which I�ll have you know isn�t a euphemism for anything, she literally clocked my pearlies with her own. Not a pleasant feeling. Anyway, my 2nd first (yes I wrote that right), was a tequila shot of my own. A normal one at that too; no need to be ravenously licking salt off of people when I�m not going to allow them to do the same to me. It was quite a shocker, it was EXTREMELY bitter and it left a very warm feeling in the pit of my stomach for the rest of the night.
Well, that�s my New Year�s in a nutshell. I have to get going because they�re flicking the lights on and off here at the ILC letting us know that they�re closing soon.
Happy New Year!
C�est la vie
~A (In this moment [I will])
.
Anyway, I've been going through so much stuff through the past few days. I've been at work all day without a VTO (leave home early) anywhere in sight (damned holiday call volume), I've been at my 2nd job bosses' house (hence me being at a computer to type about it) doing all their menial chores that they've laid out for me and I've been keeping a healthy social life all while still managing to get just enough hours of sleep in so as to not go ballistic and lunge at the first moving object in a rabid frenzy.
I need to recharge my spiritual batteries and give myself some 'me' time. My horoscope has been nagging at me to do so for weeks now and I've been unsuccessful in finding the time. But then again, whenever I do sleep in on a day off or stay at home without anything to fill in my free time, I feel like I'm being lazy and that there needs to be something more to fill in the empty spaces. Whether it's just the side effects of being a hyper-productive virtual nine-to-five drone or indeed something more deep and personal, I cannot tell.
Well, I must away. I have to do my early day at work tomorrow and straight after, I'm going to go to Nogales and retrieve my recently-released father so that we can have a bunch of awkward silences together all in the name of catching up on the years that he's missed out on. Poor Mina, she would know better than me how much running around I do.
You know, despite the cosmically large amounts of emptiness that I feel and the fact that getting some has been on my 'want' field nearly every day for quite sometime (both on my diary and off), I'm kinda glad I don't have a boyfriend in my presence. With all the hustle my life is right now, I don't think I'd be able to pay him the kind of attention he deserves, let alone have enough time to unload all of my problems onto him and expect him to make it all better.
C'est la vie
You're chocolate. You're the old soul type, people
feel that they have known you their entire
life. Many often open up to you for they view
you as thoughtful and trustworthy. Although
people trust you, you have a hard time trusting
them. You prefer to keep your feelings bottled
up inside, or display them very quietly. It is
alright to open up every once in a while.
Which kind of candy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
{Mmm... chocolate}
~A (Oh yes I would, if I only could)
.
Oh well, it's a really good thing that I happen to love soy and rice milk so much, because it seems like they will have to be my mainstay whenever I want to crave cookies and milk or cereal or something of the like.
I'd go into further specifics, but it's really late and I just finished a load of laundry at my bosses' house, making me realize that I have my own laundry at home that needs to be folded and put away before I start my work week again tomorrow. So I must be off.
�Hasta ma�ana muchachos!
Orlando Bloom
Please rate this quiz I worked hard on it thanks
and I hope that you had fun
What Celebirty are you going to MARRY?!(14 outcomes with pics for anyone)
brought to you by Quizilla
{WOO-HOO!}
You're TRENDY sexy! You go with all the popular
ways and latest styles on what's sexy, whether
you mean to or not. This means you'll probably
always be sexy!
What kind of sexy are you? [For girls only! With Pics! Finally Finished!]
brought to you by Quizilla
{Damn right}
Congratulations! You're Merry!
Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
{Two LOTR hotties in one posting? Merry Christmas indeed!}
C'est la vie
~A (I'm limited to being me)
.
So, my Christmas season was a bunch of ass. And not in a good way either, because quite frankly I could have used some ass, but instead, the few presents that I did get were mostly crap. I was so very disappointed. Not that I care at all (or that much anyway) about getting presents, but the whole Christmas feel wasn't there. There wasn't the cohesive togetherness that families - especially Mexican ones like mine - are infamous for around this time of Yule. There wasn't me giving presents to those that I love because my ever-problematic Mina needed some transmission change when I only hoped that she was due early for an oil change. Most importantly, there wasn't the fresh scent of pine eminating from the candy-colored Christmas tree that my grandma so beautifully decorated.
I knew that this was going to be the first year in which I'd really have to grow up, seeing as my mom is gone, but I didn't think that that meant giving up all of my joy. Truth be told, I am every shade of green with envy at all of those people out there that have the much-taken-for-granted luxury of having at least one of their parents living with them. Not that I have anything against my ever-struggling grandmother, I just wish that my brother and I didn't have to add to her laundry list of burdens.
Last night, Steve, Matt and I did something totally illegal that's too long to tell about in this already lengthy entry. I'll probably do a supplemental entry right after this or even later on to tell about it.
Right now I sit at the computer in the home office of my 2nd job's bosses. As it turns out, I'm still very much under their employ, much to my delight, because quite honestly, I could use the money. Anyway, they have gone out of town for a week and I am house-sitting for them until I get back, which if I'm not mistaken, will be the 2nd of January. In their absence, I am to take whatever phone messages come in (which shouldn't be many, considering that I don't have a set time to be here and I will invariably be here late at night), fill their bird-feeder daily and water their plants every couple of days or so. Given that I have unlimited internet access on their computer, I might just regularly be updating for this week. This is especially good that since though the ILC is open for the winter inter-session, it keeps really inconvenient hours, making it extremely impossible for me to make it there on a regularly-scheduled work day.
Well, there are chores that I must attend to in this house. I might write again tonight; we'll see. I really do wish that I would've gotten a call from my friends to go and hang out and whatnot, but I guess I've exhausted them from last night.
C'est la vie.
~A (I didn't know what to say)
.
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