{And nothing else compares...}

{On the horizon II}
23 January 2004 @ 8:26 PM

BGM: Annie Lennox - "Into the West" (from the Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King SDTK)
Wanting: snow!
Wearing: midnight blue/grey ON hooded pullover, tan WF1 cargo pants

I'm feeling unusually happy right now. It's really funny too, because financially, I'm going to hell, socially I'm still pretty much limited to my brother and the Hobbits, and home life still sucks lemons. It's a destructive/oblivious kind of happy that is so not with the good. What can I say? When it comes to feeling good, I'm a slut; I take it any way I can get it.

So last night my ever-generous brother Ivan decided to take me out to dinner at Chili's. The U of A's basketball game was on, and of course it became open season on the poor Oregon Ducks. Anyway, icky sports chat aside, Ivan and I had a nice time. We talked about cool names and what we'd name our kids when the time to be a parent came (I'm now only half-dreading it; having been convinced that I could do a better job than Adrian). I forget what he said, but I said I wanted to name my son Ilya; inspired by a new person on my team at work with the same name. I half-pondered the idea of how cool it would be if we started a tradition of Russian-named boys in the family (though 'Aaron' is Hebrew, I'll overlook that, cuz quite honestly, I don't think Ivan cares too much for the name Ilya).

Anyway, once having finished eating (in which my stomach seemed to resent me ordering a quesadilla), I left ahead of my brother to go to the Barnes & Noble across the plaza. Earlier in the restaurant I told Ivan that I had the want to buy something impulsively; which is why I decided to venture there in the first place. That and I had wanted to get some Starbucks coffee-typed dessert. Unfortunately, once I got there, the combined dairy overload of dinner and having had half of a too-rich chocolate shake made me feel so bleh that I couldn�t indulge.

I walked over to the graphic novels (my favorite part, admittedly) and look over the selection. For the longest time I�ve been wanting to buy the ninth volume of the Fushigi Yuugi manga, but have been kinda shying away from buying it, for reasons not even known to me. Also, after casually looking over it, I�ve been half-interested in buying the Kurt Cobain graphic bio� though that�s mostly because of the cover; the whole fallen angel imagery appeals to my Goth side. That and I�ve been harboring some small feelings of kinship with the departed Mr. Cobain (I have delusions that our lives parallel somewhat; only without the fame and ability to play guitar part). It�s really a bunch of stuff that people wouldn�t understand if I tried to explain it to them. Also, on another earlier impulse (in which I had also purchased the anime Read or Die), I had bought The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen graphic. Having already finished it, I had half-wanted to get the group�s next illustrated outing. Though through an all-too-seldom-occurring exercise of restraint, I passed up on it and convinced myself that I wouldn�t die if I didn�t leave the store with it that night.

From there, Ivan had seen enough of the basketball game to know that we whipped Oregon almost cruelly; he came over and joined me. From there, we perused the music section. There before me I beheld the masterful Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King movie soundtrack. After almost admittedly having an orgasm at its mere sight, I decided that THAT would be my impulse purchase. Unfortunately, as I made that declaration, No Doubt�s greatest hits album and Coldplay�s Live 2003 CD/DVD combo also caught my eye. It was then that I almost fell down onto my knees in histrionic frustration and pained myself to make a decision. Finally I did; I�d take the first two, saving my darling Coldplay�s album for future indulgence; and more importantly when it won�t be so darned expensive.

So heading back home with my two new purchases happily in my hand, I knew that I�d regret this come next payday (today), when I�d have to pay back my payday loan. At that moment, it didn�t matter; I had two CDs that I knew I�d enjoy, plus the LOTR one had Merry and Pippin on the cover; my two favorite Hobbits!

After listening to it a few times upon returning home, I knew that this would be a purchase that I�d enjoy more and longer than some of my other thoughtless buys. I especially loved track five; �The Steward of Gondor,� that�s where Billy Boyd (Pippin) sings. It�s so very beautiful! The only complaint is that it doesn�t move me quite the way it did when I saw that particular scene in the movie, but I still love it nevertheless. Oh, and Annie Lennox�s masterful �Into the West,� the song that plays at the end credits, it�s so gorgeous! I can�t stop playing it over and over again in my head.

I guess that�s what�s been carrying me in good spirits all day today. I�m glad that I can get myself to feel all giddy and lighthearted, especially during these tumultuous and very lonely times that I�m going through. I just hope that I don�t jinx myself by recognizing this fact and that it�ll hopefully last a little longer (i.e. I hope it�s not one of my normal borderline mood swings).

You know what, I think that the cold and cloudy weather also have a hand in this. It�s been so wet and dank for the past two days that my spirits are soaring. Yes, that�s it exactly! I�m being given a cosmic break by the spirits of the winter! Blessed be I, child of the late invernal season.

I am happy.

~A (Why do the white gulls call?)

{Going nowhere}
20 January 2004 @ 5:53 PM

BGM: Franka Potente - "Believe" (Run Lola Run SDTK)
Wanting: freedom
Wearing: light blue plaid ON button-up shirt, white ON shirt w/blue stripes, grey Original Khaki Co. slacks

Note: A lot of time passed while I trying to enter this in. Just thought I'd say that so it'd convey frustration easier.

I've sat at this computer for almost an hour thinking of just what I need to get off my chest. Then I remember... John (one of the only people I give a damn about at work) is leaving for New York on Thursday. Permanently.

This saddens me. For one, who am I going to get to save my ass when I slip up? Who is going to give me coverage when I suddenly need an impossible day off? Most importantly, with whom am I going to let my acidic sarcasm flow in regards to Info? Hmm... this seems to be more affecting than I thought it would. I should be happy that he's making it out of this sand pit; I know that it's quite a task, especially since he's been here as long as he has.

GAH! I'm so bored! I'm in a rut the size of something really huge and I can't find my way out. I'm frustrated with the static state of my life, only to be confronted with very unsavory choices and hard work ahead. It�s like, I wish that for once in my life, everything would turn out exactly like I wish they would. I can�t even recall exactly all the times that I�ve expressed my frustration and my despair. But it�s just as well, for the powers that be have seen fit to allow me this and nothing more. As much as I�d say that with every new frustration I come in one step closer to severing everything, I�m held back by my damned �sensible� side. It really sucks.

~A (Time and time again it feels like everything is wrong in here)

{Addendum}
17 January 2004 @ 5:12 PM

BGM: Howie Day - "Perfect Time of Day"
Wanting: buh
Wearing: same as earlier

My brother's getting/got a tattoo today (depending if he's already done so by this point). I wish I had the money and body to get one of my own.

And now, quizzes!

Which Breakfast Clubber Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

{Was there ever a doubt in anyone's mind?}

Who's Your 80s Movie Icon Alter-Ego? Find out @ She's Crafty

{Okay, I guess}

PS: Howie Day NEEDS to call me!

~A (It's the perfect time of day)

{Sing without a reason}
17 January 2004 @ 2:51 PM

BGM: Lostprophets - "The Last Train Home"
Wanting: meh
Wearing: midnight blue/white ON long sleeved jersey shirt, denim ON pants

I'm feeling pretty good. I don't however, feel like doing a diary entry. Instead, I'll fill this by posting my current obsessive song's lyrics. Even though the cute lead singer is using feminine pronouns, I still indentify strongly with this song.

One! Two! Three!
To every broken heart in here
Love was once a part, but now it's disappeared
She told me that it's all a part of the choices that your making
Even when you think you're right
You have to give to take
But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
Watch it pass the day
As it fades away
No more time to care
No more time, today
But we sing
If we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason
To ever fall in love
I wonder if you're listening
Picking up on the signals
Sent back from within
Sometimes it feels like I don't really know whats going on
Time and time again it seems like everything is wrong in here
But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
Watch it pass the day
As it fades away
No more time to care
No more time, today
But we sing
If we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason
To ever fall in love
Well we sing if we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing if it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason to ever fall in love
But we sing
If we're going no where
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing with out a reason to never fall in love
To never fall in love again

-Lostprophets "The Last Train Home"

~A (To ever fall in love again)

{But we sing}
15 January 2004 @ 7:20 PM

BGM: Lostprophets - "Last Train Home"
Wanting: that good feeling of solidarity to be with me always
Wearing: midnight blue ON button-up, white ON long-sleeved t-shirt, grey ON slacks

Well I'm back. I've not been away, but yet I have. I've been here, but haven't. I've been annoying... well, you get it. I've not left my own personal Wisconsin (read: hell) and not quite all there upstairs. 'Tis been an emotional series of days past and I've been anything but bored with the passing of time.

But nothing too exciting to waste a perfectly good entry about. Today's events are good enough fodder to keep me placated until the next time that I can find myself sitting in front of a computer.

Well... work today was kinda ass. Not that that's radically different from the norm. One of my girlfriends at work needed to make up some hours, and though I know that they would be better spent on myself, I let her take my last three hours. With that, I got my weekend started earlier, which is never a bad thing in my book. Though my day was mercifully shorter, I was only given a single 15-minute break over the usual two plus a half-hour lunch. That was a laborious task indeed; as I had to stay on the phones for nearly FOUR hours before I was allowed time to breathe!

Anyway, before I was allowed to give Info the kiss-off until Sunday, Linda, my TM gave me doubly good news; I put in for Sunday the 1st of Feb. off for Matt's berfday and it was approved and because I'm sick of my current schedule, I put in for a more regular one. That was also approved too! Yayness!

That second bit of news however, arrives somewhat bittersweetly. It would seem that - quite justifiably - Info is lacking in hours in the late afternoon to evening on Saturdays and we all need to "re-align" (as Linda put it). Basically what this means is that the company's going through a shift bid in which Corporate is going to print out a huge list of available schedules and every CSR is going to have to choose which ones suits them best. Who gets to get the first stab at them will be determined by standings; how well we've done on our quality monitoring and so forth. That being said, I feel like I may only have my �ber-enjoyable to-be schedule until late March. Much with the suckiness. Hopefully that will turn out well.

As for non-work related events, today I was in attendance at a candlelight vigil outside of IBT's in honor of Mark Fontes. His is a very complicated background that is really long and difficult to explain. He, along with KRQ (Tucson's most popular Top-40/Pop radio station), got in some hot water when he tried to sneak on to Davis-Monthan AFB when Bush came to town this past summer. Anyway, apparently Tucson Police found him unconscious and beat within an inch of his life outside of IBT's early on Tuesday morning. TPD is unsure of labelling it as a hate crime, due to the fact that he was robbed, but a surveilance camera shows two men waiting outside the bar for him. Mark remains at University Medical Center where he is in critical but stable condition, having sustained internal bleeding and brain swelling.

So, now that that's all been explained, the vigil was to send all of our well-wishes and prayers that he recovers. It was really positive, and wrought with emotion. I thought it was really beautiful. Though all the talk of the powers of prayer made me uneasy for the sake of others who weren't as gung-ho Jesus-y about it all. Nonetheless, we were empowered, we excercized our solidarity and we sang; with me crying like a banshee througout it all.

I loved every moment of it though. Well, everything with the exception of when my candle-in-a-Dixie-cup started melting down to the end, making the cup a little too warm to handle. Oh, and that when we had officially finished, a queer fanatic started yelling out and basically saying that we're not being outraged enough. That provided me with my daily required amount of discomfort and dis-ease as I slowly backed away from what only could've turned out to be something not pretty.

That's about it for now. We're going to be going to Chili's in a bit to celebrate with Fox for having made it into the steel drum group at the U of A's band. The other Hobbitses will be in attendance, as well as Gloria and Ivan (my bro). It should be a really fun evening.

DarkMagic
Dark magician. You love the dark because of it's
beauty and just the life that no-one else sees.
Mysterious, calm, quiet... But that doesn't
mean you're not friendly!

Please rate ^^

What kind of dark person are you?
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HASH(0x88ef82c)
You are like majority of the people in today's
society. You probably like the latest trends,
but not because they are considered cool; just
because you like them. Continue being you,
people like you for it.

A Deeper Look Inside Yourself (with pics)
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~A (If we're going nowhere)