Big city dreams for a small-city boy

{You're my favorite regret}
15 August 2003 @ 9:19 PM

BGM: Fox's spot-on impression of Snarf from the Thundercats' whining
Wanting: more than this
Wearing: black Coldplay concert shirt, navy blue Old Navy shorts

I'm beginning to accept a radical new concept. It's taken me quite a while to come to terms with it and just because I'm starting to take it as truth, it does not in the least mean that I enjoy it. What is this whole new thing that I should probably create a Wiccan/Catholic hybrid religion for since it's going to be such an integral part of my existence? What could it possibly be that is so important that it merits a diary entry (frivolous quiz result postings nonwithstanding)? Why am I over-hyping this and when am I going to get to the point?

Glad you asked.

The phenomenon that's been going on for a few weeks now is that my Friday nights (and the rest of the day for that matter) are devoid of fun, random, hanging-with-friends-stuff that I so need to live. Okay, I'll be up-front, I WAS invited along to do something tonight. Yes, I'll let you have that. But it was to go see a movie. Not a very good movie at that either. It was Freddy vs. Jason *bleh*... I think I have higher standards than that.

But yeah, other than that, there has been nothing good to do at the traditional start of the weekend. Fox gets out a little too late from his theatre gig to seize the evening, Shaunda has to be up too early to even hang, Miranda has her own clique which I don't really fit into, Ruben's usually off doing his thing and anyone else never really calls me to do anything.

What's more, is that whenever we do hang, it usually involves shelling out some cold hard cash. *Sigh* I am in lament for over the cool things that we used to do those two magical summers ago. Those were the days, I tells ya.

I saw an episode of Buffy tonight on FX. It was the one where Anya is introduced and Xander and Willow are baddies (Xander in leather... *drool* Angel being dominated *kinky*). Anyway, watching that (and to a lesser extent, Moulin Rouge last night), had me falling back on my favorite regret; why didn't I do enough in high school so that I could be somewhat more artistically inclined (and maybe tried my hand at acting) that I would've been able to propel myself out of this Alanis'-Idea-Of-A-Joke town and maybe be in one of the big cities that I oh-so-dream about?

That's my big Hollywood fantasy, I'd so love to be a star so that I could see the world, interact with cool, new (and most usually cute) people. For me, it'd be not so much about the big Hollywood pay and all of the attention from nearly this world's six billion inhabitants, but just the fact that I could be THERE. OUT THERE. Living out my fantasies and being amongst a world created by dreamers. I know that while one is still able-bodied, it's never too late to persue their dream, but after a couple of years of remaining idle, the ease of casting everything aside just wavers and you're left shackled down to the reality that crept up behind you while you were too busy wishing it was different.

Le sigh... the rants of a jaded but hopeful dreamer.

I think I will take up Ruben on his horror flick, at least it'll give me something to do.

~A (You won't fool the children of the revolution)

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{The hum of Electricity has left Manhattan}
14 August 2003 @ 5:03 PM

BGM: "Pure Morning" by Placebo
Wanting: sleep
Wearing: white Old Navy shirt with blue and grey stripes, grey Stanford boxer-briefs

Wow... so the largest power outage to ever hit the Northeast, huh? Actually that was felt all the way over here. At work, at appoximately 1:00 PST (cuz during Daylight Savings Time we crazy Arizonans run on PST), we started experiencing some funked-up problems. For some reason, we couldn't connect people to their numbers that they wanted, so for about a half-an-hour we had to read every single phone number that people called in for. Not fun. Then of course, there were the requistite angry/confused New York/New Englanders calling in to their local power companies to report the outages.

And lastly, we me be on the verge of a mini-outage here in good ol' Tucson. Some heavy monsoons are blowing and the skies are very noisy. For once, I'm hoping that doesn't happen, because I'm supposed to meet Shaunda so we can watch her newly acquired Moulin Rouge DVD at her house.

What a painfully interesting day it has been. Though thankfully d-land is up and running, apparently imood was affected.

~A (A friend in need's a friend in need, a friend with weed is better)

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{Esteemed self}
13 August 2003 @ 10:56 PM

BGM: ***
Wanting: ***
Wearing: ***

I was doing some blog surfing. And I found this Margaret Cho quote on a friend of a friend of a friend's blog and I just felt like I had to reprint it here. I'll use it to inspire me when the world is kicking my ass...

"...And I have a lot of self-esteem, which is amazing ‘cause I’m probably somebody who wouldn’t necessarily have a lot of self-esteem as I am considered a minority. And if you are a woman, if you’re a person of color, if you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, if you’re a person of size, if you’re a person of intelligence, if you’re a person of integrity, then you are considered a minority in this world. And it’s going to be really hard to find messages of self-love and support anywhere—especially women’s and gay men’s culture. It’s all about how you have to look a certain way or else you’re worthless. You know when you look in the mirror, and you think, “Ugh, I’m so ugly, I’m so fat, I’m so old,” don’t you know that’s not your authentic self, but that is billions upon billions of dollars of advertising—magazines, movies, billboards all geared to make you feel shitty about yourself so that you will take your hard-earned money and spend it at the mall on some turnaround cream that doesn’t turn around shit.

If you don’t have self-esteem, you will hesitate before you do anything in your life. You will hesitate to go for the job you really want to go for. You will hesitate to ask for a raise. You will hesitate to call yourself an American. You will hesitate to report a rape. You will hesitate to defend yourself when you are discriminated against because of your race, your sexuality, your size, your gender. You will hesitate to vote. You will hesitate to dream. For us to have self-esteem is truly an act of revolution, and our revolution is long overdue."

-Margaret Cho

~A

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{Good, good night}
13 August 2003 @ 1:47 AM

BGM: "My Sundown" by Jimmy Eat World
Wanting: salvation from everything
Wearing: same as earlier, minus the shorts

Wow... I actually got this up on my own computer. Pretty nice, huh? Let's hope that stupid virus is out *knocks on wood*

I can't begin to describe the feelings that are washing over me. I'm sick at the lack of direction in my life, I'm tired of having to put my own needs last, I'm confused as to where I stand as far as finding that certain someone, I'm frustrated with the deterioration of my poor car's performance, and I'm fed up of having to put up pretenses in just about every aspect of my life. Worst of all, I'm pissed that right now I can't get into my freaking guestbook to see if anyone cares enough to let me know that it'll all be alright in the end, and just when I need reassurance the most!

I'm tired of everything! I'm tired of the one constant in my life being that the scenario above is an everday occurance. I need a way out. I need some salvation. I need someone to just take it all off my hands, if only long enough for me to step back from the ledge of insanity before I take a running jump into it.

All I really want is to just wipe the slate clean, go back to the start and do it anew. Granted, though I'm not living in anything near poverty, I am feeling like I'm just wasting my time, devoting 40+ hours a week to a thankless cause only to have all of my earnings frittered away to questionable impulses that in the long run aren't worth it.

*Deep sigh*

I guess I've backed myself into this corner. I need to get some sleep before I let all of this negativity consume me further...

The tears of hopelessness will send me off to where I have no worries. They will take me to the land where I am perfectly balanced with my environment. The land that only I can see. A world of my own dreams. If only I could live there forever.

~A (With one hand high, you'll show them your progress, you'll take your time, but no one cares, no one cares)

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{Bugged}
12 August 2003 @ 5:13 PM

BGM: "Imagine" by John Lennon
Wanting: my computer to get better!
Wearing: grey 'Los Angeles' Old Navy tee, navy blue Old Navy shorts

Argh... I hate life right now. I've strayed from talking about my fantabulous life because my not-so-beloved (but works for me anyway) computer seems to have caught a bug. Ivan, my brother and a bigger computer genius than I can ever hope to be, told me that apparently a worm virus has been sleazing around online and infecting random machines. Great, just when I decide that I don't have any anti-virus software to stop it. So I shall have to wait it out for he and his band of noble computer geeks to see if they can help a brotha out.

This weekend was interesting in the least and long and straining to say the most. I haven't gotten in a good day's rest for a currently unrecallable amount of time and I have been running on empty all day. I think I've just reset the standard for spreading oneself too thin. I need sleep so bad it's not even funny. I have to go help Miranda out with her homework though, and I may even hang out with the usuals tonight too. I just want to sleep until Friday... which won't be a rest day either, cuz this weekend I'm pulling in 12 hours of overtime. Not fun, but at least for this time, I'll be getting paid double time instead of just time-and-a-half. I just have to keep telling myself that this is all going to be worth it in the end.

Unfortunately, I can't say much more right now. This is actually coming from Matt's computer, and he just got in from Flagstaff earlier (with a new set of ear piercings!), so he'd like to get some sleep as soon as I'm done. So I must be expedient. I just thought that I'd necessitate this post to let everyone (all three of you) of you know that I'm okay and that I'll get right back into it as soon as I can.

*Hugz*

~A (I couldn't if I tried)

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{Tinselshine}
10 August 2003 @ 1:57 PM

BGM: "Something" by Lasgo
Wanting: love
Wearing: green 'New York' Old Navy tee, floral-print blue FTL boxer-briefs

So I have the house all to myself. It's nice, I guess. I can now do all sorts of stuff that I couldn't normally do without Matt or Cathy around. For instance, I can... I can walk around naked and not care about what anybody else thinks. How's about that?

...

I know, it's really lame.

Anyway, late last night, Fox, Steven and I saw Matt off at the Greyhound terminal downtown. He's off to Flagstaff for a few days to apparently get away from it all (and by "it all," I'm thinking he means "us," but whatever, everybody's free, right?).

Anyway, as we saw him off, scant minutes from his departure, I felt something. I felt a bit of worry for him, him still being (one of) the youngest ones in our core group and all. I fear for his safety at times. But I also know that he's one of the most self-sufficient people I know too.

Also, I felt something else... something I hadn't felt for a long time about him. I felt a caring for him. Not just a normal caring that I feel for all of my other friends, but something more. Like a caring that I did when I first met him and I thought he was a living angel. What brought that about? Hell if I know. I hope it's nothing, because I was pretty bad over him, and I'd rather not put myself through that again. Not when I have an exciting new prospect in the horizon.

It probably just my protective nature taking hold a little too long. I'm sure that's exactly it.

Your Ideal Guy Is
The Beast



Who's Your Ideal Disney Guy?
brought to you by Quizilla

{Well, I guess I've always kinda had a thing for hairy guys}

~A (There is something that you hide from me)

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{where do i start?}
i am... a dancer and a dreamer, latino, gay, a singer, a poet, an artist, a son, a brother, no one's lover, way too obsessed with sailor moon for my own good, a romantic, temporarily unemployed, and too much more to list here

{emotional me}
The current mood of invernal at www.imood.com

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i was always blue-green cuz we are living in a material world...
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